I don’t have a proper camera to document each step of how I get ready on the weekends. So, I figured the next best/most accurate way was to show it through pictures of the Kardashians.
STEP ONE: Preparation
Before you start, spend a solid 4 hours watching beauty and style videos on YouTube. It’s a great way to get inspiration for new looks that you’re way too unadventurous and poor to try.
Bonus Tip: Before this step, don’t even worry about showering. Or brushing your teeth. Or changing your pants for three days.
STEP TWO: Getting Started
Attempt to stand up for the first time in 4 hours. If you get lightheaded, that’s just tiny parts of your brain dying from being completely sedentary for an extensive amount of time. Oopsies. No worries. You didn’t need to remember the Bill of Rights anyway.
Now go to the kitchen, eat three brownies, then hop back onto the couch and start watching another hair tutorial for long, ombre hair even though your hair is shoulder-length and one color.
STEP THREE: Okay, seriously. You should do something.
Keep that hair tutorial video playing on really high volume while you do the dishes. Wow! Multitasking! You’re getting so much done! You deserve a nap!
STEP FOUR: No. Stop it. You don’t need a nap. You’ve literally only done 3 things today.
Internal arguments can be pretty exhausting. It’s basically cardio for your subconscious. So, you’re going to want to cue up a video reviewing different teeth whiteners and rest your greasy little head on a pillow.
This is going to lead right into Step 4.1, where you have a mini-dilemma when you realize how badly you have to pee just after you got super comfortable.
Succumb to your bladder.
STEP FIVE: Hey. You’re in the bathroom. Might as well clean yourself up a bit.
Haphazardly splash water on your face, but try not to make eye contact with your soggy, dirty reflection, because I think that’s how The Ring starts. Then, take out that old bottle of deep cleansing, something-something Clean & Clear goop you have in the cabinet because it’s face mask time! The best time of the day/month/year/how often are you supposed to face mask?
STEP SIX: You could really just wash your face normally, but whatever.
Put an excessive amount of the mask goop on your face. You should look like Mrs. Doubtfire when she sticks her face in the pie. (Bonus points if you also have the slight upper-lip stubble!) Now you have to wait while the face mask hardens.
Back to more tutorials on Hunger Games inspired hairstyles!
STEP SEVEN: I think the mask is done now. It’s been almost 20 minutes, and the bottle only said 5-7.
Rinse your face off, you beautiful angel goddess!
STEP EIGHT: Panic
Okay, so your skin’s started to turn a rashy-looking red where you had that face mask.
No worries, just splash more water on it. Okay, not working. Or maybe moisturizer? OH GOD NO THAT BURNS WHY HOW USE MORE WATER.
STEP NINE: Regret
So much regret. About so many things.
STEP TEN: Acceptance
Your face will be forever marred by this red skin-mask. You will retreat into the woods and find your place with a pack of local coyotes. They won’t mind your red face and the fact that you haven’t washed your hair in 3 days. Because they are coyotes. Also, try not to get eaten.
STEP ELEVEN: Distraction
Yay! A 17-minute video on fun fall looks! (More bonus points if you’re watching it in March!!)
STEP TWELVE: Shame
Your boyfriend will be home from work soon, and you want to give the allure of actually accomplishing something today. Essentially, the threat of human interaction is enough to shame you into bathing.
STEP LAST: Take a shower, you stinky, trash goblin.
Hey, the skin-mask is only a very dull pink now. Yay! We did it!
Note: If any of the products mentioned are in the market for sponsorship deals (Clean & Clear, Bath & Body Works, The Ring), please feel free to contact me. I’ll be in the woods near my apartment with my new coyote family, so just howl ;) #CoyoteLife