Stuff I Bought

I’m a nosy person. I like knowing all about everyone’s everything, which is probably why I’ve been grossly obsessed with product haul videos on YouTube. Yes, show me all of the beautiful, fancy things you bought while I drool onto this tank top I’ve somehow had since 7th grade.

(Guys. I’m not the same size as I was in 7th grade. That’s part of the comedy. My 23-year-old body has stretched the shit out of this Kohl’s brand tank top. The straps have essentially frayed into a single piece of elastic, and my belly button is very visible when I wear it. I am not what you might call a “fashion icon.”)

I figured you may be as nosy as I am and find pleasure in seeing some of the things I recently bought online. And if you’re not into that, here’s a gif of a baby goat for your trouble:

Now, let’s take a look at what I recently decided was worth $4.95 in shipping and handling to have hand-delivered to my doorstep.

These Leggings

Screen shot 2014-03-22 at 10.49.58 AM

I think I was mostly seduced by the heels that the model is wearing. And then, I got distracted by the millions of color options. And I was like “Do I need leggings in a shade called ‘oyster?’ Probably? I’ve never thought about it, but the product model’s butt looks fantastic in them. Maybe I could have a beautiful oyster butt. I’ll just get the black ones because I’m boring.”

But, SURPRISE, the black leggings are not really boring at all. I realized after trying them on they’re very sheer in the butt region. Like “Hi, World. Have you met all of my butt cheeks?”

I kept them because I’m too lazy to return stuff. Also, they’re kinda comfy. Also also, when I wear them, it’ll be like playing a fun game of “How Far Can I Bend Over Without Indecently Exposing Myself Today?”

To sum up my leggings experience:

Cons: more light-weight than expected, you can definitely see your underwear through them
Pros: tight without being super uncomfortable, you can definitely see your underwear through them (Maybe that’s a pro- for you. I don’t know how you live your life.)

These Makeup Brushes

This was me pretending that I’m going to stop using my hands to apply all my makeup. It was also me pretending I’m going to use that tiny comb for whatever it’s meant to be used for and not to comb my tiny mustache when I forget to wax for too long.

I’ve used three of the least intimidating brushes. They work, I think. I can almost do top eyeliner now, which is a skill I can list on a resume, right?

Cons: None so far, I guess. The tiny comb probably wouldn’t be good for bristly mustaches, though.
Pros: Fun for pretending you know how to do makeup

A Peppermint Foot Repair Salve

Yeah. I know. I had $10 to Birchbox, so I bought a lotion specifically for my feet. I don’t even care about my feet, really. Sometimes I forget I have toenails that need to be tended to until it hurts a little when I put socks on.

I haven’t used this yet, so this is more a review on foot lotion as a concept rather than how the product really is.

Cons: I bought a lotion specifically for my feet, so I’ll have to live with that choice on my credit card history forever.
Pros: I’m going to have the mintiest feet in all the land.

Yes to Cucumber Towelettes

These smell a little bit like puke to me. But I don’t hate it. Also, if they made Yes to Sandwiches towelettes, I wouldn’t hate that either.

This all says much more about me than the product.

Cons: vague smell of vomit
Pros: My face feels very clean and soft, which I suppose is the point.

Bo Burnham’s New Book

I have nothing funny or clever to say about this because the funny, cleverness of this collection of poetry trumps anything I could say about it. It made me laugh and think, which is a wonderful combination of things to experience. Here’s my favorite piece right now:


Pros: Everything. All of it. Go buy it now. You’ll be a better person for it.
Cons: You might hate yourself a little bit when you finish because it’s lifetimes more clever than anything you’ve done. But this book is so good, it makes the self-hatred worth it.

Okay. I can’t lie to you. This isn’t everything I’ve bought online recently. I also got three shirts, a subscription to Birchbox, two giant candles, and another pair of black leggings. And I’ve got an Amazon shopping cart full of various body cleansers and face masks.

Mind you, I haven’t showered in two days. So, I don’t know why I think I’ll actually use four kinds of face creams before bedtime when I can’t get myself to bathe.

This has all been less a product review and more a cry for help.

In other news, I may have just sharted myself, so I suppose I should deal with that.

Fashion icon.

One thought on “Stuff I Bought

  1. There wasn’t really a button for liking your existence. But that’s what I’m doing here. I want to put you in my pocket. In the best way. I just stumbled in to read the things you write and now I’m leaving you a comment that would be edging on creepy if you didn’t know better. But obviously you do. So you know that this is in fact very, deeply creepy.

    Peaches and pudding,
    SPF 50

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