You know that thing in scary movies where a character is driving at night, and they see a flash of a person or ghost on the side of the road, but when they look back, there’s nothing there?
Sometimes that happens to me. Except with weird road signs, not ghost people. And they don’t so much disappear as I feel like I’m the only driver on the highway who notices of them. Also, these occurrences aren’t limited to nighttime, and there’s nothing particularly scary or suspenseful about the situation as a whole.
Basically, scary movies and road signs are not analogous at all, and I was just trying to do that thing where I start off on a relatable note, and then transition into a very specific story that virtually excludes myself from the general public.
Of course, this could all be solved by someone making a Paranormal Activity 6 (7? 15?) that stars me continuously missing exits while driving because I keep thinking I see signs that say “butts.” Oooh, spooky but sexy!
Today, while running errands/buying unnecessary things at Target (#relatable!!!!), I saw the most glorious church marquee. I wish I could have taken a picture to prove its existence. It read:
“GET OVER YOURSELF
AND HAVE A BLESSED LENT.”
Guys, the Lord has had quite enough of your shit. Just give up your Facebook and sugary snacks for 40 days, and move on with your life. If ever I were to experience a ‘Come to Jesus’ moment, seeing that sign would have been it.
I also have a running mental tally of my favorite Adopt-A-Highway signs.
A new favorite I saw shortly after the sassy church marquee was for a highway that had been adopted by “Chyna Dolls Social Club.“
That name could mean so many things. And all of those things have vaguely sexual undertones. If you actually know what Chyna Dolls Social Club is, please don’t tell me. I’d like to live the rest of my life hoping it’s an organization of high-end, prostitute do-gooders who share a love of environmental charity work. In which case, they should have called it the Do-Gooders because the innuendo’s kind of built right into it.
The signs for highways adopted in memoriam of people are also so wonderfully confusing. I frequently drive on portions of US-71 that have been lovingly dedicated “Poopie Jackson” and “Carlton, Mastermind #1?“
I wonder if Poopie Jackson would’ve wanted the origins of his nickname to be left to the imaginations of Kansas City drivers. I wonder how Carlton would feel knowing his rank as number one mastermind was questioned by his loved ones.
Today I discovered a stretch of Route 350 adopted in honor of “The Horses in the Community.”
Nice of them to leave us the opportunity to dedicate roads to horses of other communities.
In addition to the sign pictured above, I’m starting a list of pre-approved highway adoption dedications, in case you ever want to buy a highway for me or whatever. (Except don’t actually do that. Just use the money to buy sandwiches or Target gift cards for me and/or in memory of me.)
A few Mia-approved road sign dedications:
- In Honor of Mia “Pharrell Williams’ #1 Lover” Mercado
- For Mia, Head Mistress of the Chyna Dolls Social Club aka the Do-Gooders ;)
- Dedicated to Mia Mercado, star of Paranormal Activity 6 (7? 15?)
- For Mia Mercado, who once farted in her car over this part of the road probably
- (a sign that just has a picture of me winking and giving the thumbs up)
This is the part where I’m supposed to ask you to comment with any goofy road signs you’ve seen. But yours probably isn’t as great as the “Get Over Yourself” church sign. So, sorry.