Imaginary Instagram

TMZ BREAKING NEWS: I don’t have an Instagram.

1) Because I don’t have a smart phone.

Note: If anyone wants do a think piece on me being the last 20something to be living sans iPhone, hit me up. I can be reached by email or carrier pigeon or the scent of guacamole.

2) Because I would abuse the privilege of being able to share sepia-toned photos of whatever the hell I want.

Example of said abuse: I saw a lone, raw onion in the middle of an empty parking garage the other day, and my initial reaction was, “I’d Instagram the shit out of that.”

So, until the day I decide to upgrade my phone or the day I lose all self-respect and start taking pictures with my iPad in public (the latter more likely than the former), here is a small sampling of my Imaginary Instagram — or Imag-stagram, if you’re nasty.

0501172542 copy“We Love Kids / I (heart) Dogs!” Seen on a cubicle at work.
A lot of feelings all around. #OneLove #Feelings #DogsNKidz

0501172446 copyLeft behind by a kind stranger #blessed

1220093603 copy#TBT to when this greeted me every morning
walking to my desk at work.
Yes. Hi. Good morning to you too, wall letters.

The only other pictures I have on my phone are cross-eyed selfies #nofilter. But I’ll save those for a sexier post.

I really wish I would’ve taken a picture of that onion, though. It is my life’s biggest regret to date. My second biggest is the 5 string cheeses I ate for breakfast.

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