I turn 24 at the end of this week, and I feel medium excited about it. I’m excited about the part where I get to eat a cake that has my name written on it. The sense of power I feel over food products that spell out my name will be the closest I ever get to S&M. Yeah, say my name, you little buttercream bitch.
I’m much less excited about the part where my fear of not accomplishing the things I want to accomplish becomes heightened by my impending mortality. And I’m particularly worried about the part where I can’t even say with certainty what said “accomplishments” would be. I want to do all the things, but what even are “all the things” and how do I do them and someone hold my hand, please? Nobody is telling me what to do next, and that freedom is both wonderful and terrifying.
However, the most terrifying part of turning 24:
I only have 12 months left to make it on one of those “25 Under 25” lists.
(Cue mashup of a Sarah McLachlan song and the music from an action movie chase scene. Music swells to drown out people who are like, “Personal success shouldn’t be measured by comparison to other people’s achievements,” and “Um, 24 isn’t even that old.”)
I understand Forbes and People (the magazine) and people (general humanity) typically celebrate success based on financial achievements and entrepreneurial endeavors and selfless philanthropy.
Ugh, we get it. Taylor Swift is very successful, and Justin Bieber just sharts money and Twitter followers, and as you read this, there are high schoolers creating million-dollar app empires.
But where is the low bar? The absolute minimum? Where are the 25 Under 25 lists with easily attainable goals that you can read and honestly say, “Oh, I could’ve been on that list one hundo percent. But it’s whatever.”
Look no further, my angels with average accomplishments. Your low bar is right here.
Here are some 25 Under 25 lists for everyone (but mostly me because not everything can be about you, okay?):
- 25 Blogs That Are Probably Worth Under $25
- 25 People Under 25 Who Refuse to Cut That One Confusingly Long Upper Arm Hair
(This list is just 25 pictures of me in various poses with my 1.5 inch arm hair.)
- 25 People Under 25 Who Have Yet to Poo Their Pants As An Adult
- 25 People Under 25 Who Found a Bit of French Fry From Lunch in Their Cleavage and Then Ate It
- 25 People Who Use Under 25 Letters of the English Alphabet in Their Name
- 25 People Who Weigh Under 25 Tons
- 25 People Under 25 Umbrellas
- 25 People with Under 25 Requests To Play Mafia Wars in Their Facebook Notifications
- 25 People with Under 25 Fingers and Toes
- 25 People Currently Under At Least 25 Stars (Aww! Adorable and celestial!)
- 25 People Making Under 25 Million Dollars a Year
- 25 People Under 25 Other People but in a Platonic Way
- 25 People Taking Under 25 Daily Multivitamins
- 25 People Underwhelmed by Sonic’s 25+ Different Shake Flavors
(I’m not on this list. The peanut butter shake saved my life.)
- 25 People Under 25 (You Won’t Believe Who Didn’t Make the List! *Hint: It’s everyone over 25.)
Wow! Can you believe how many of those lists you were very qualified to be on? Incredible! Feel free to cite any/all of the above accolades on your resume.
I’m also available for letters of recommendation.
For extra, I’ll spell out your name in a food of your choosing, and you can use is as your logo.
If you want to watch me eat your food logo, no.