Everybody, calm down – I’m going to talk about birth control. PAMPHLETS. BIRTH CONTROL PAMPHLETS. OKAY SHHH CALM DOWN. Specifically, the birth control pamphlets I recently got from my gynecologist. Okay, too much information SORRY OKAY VAGINAS WHAT SORRY SORRY OKAY WHY ARE WE YELLING.
Here’s the first pamphlet which is telling me to break up with my current birth control.
Get it? “Break up”? Like, “get out of a relationship with”? Like, dating and sex and peepees and veevees? Like, it’s all connected? Like, we are the world?
That tagline is especially helpful because as a female womanlady, I only understand anything remotely related to science if it presented to me in cutesy, romantic rhetoric. Not sure why this isn’t something all pharmaceutical companies consistently do. Which brings me to…
BRILLIANT AD IDEA #1. Here are a few tagline suggestions my many pharm rep readers are free to use:
- Are you looking for COMMITMENT from a measles vaccination?
- Is your relationship status COMPLICATED with seasonal allergies?
- Maybe it’s time to DEFINE THE RELATIONSHIP with your hemorrhoids.
- Have you considered CONSCIOUSLY UNCOUPLING from rheumatoid arthritis?
These next images are all very real pictures from a different birth control whose current ad campaign is “This is my baby right now.”
Excuse you, why would you let a cello go down the slide ON ITS SIDE? So dangerous. That woman is clearly an unfit birth control-taker.
And according to that second image, a side effect of this birth control is thinking your books are babies and falling in love with them maternally. If this happens, will I treat my books like babies in all senses, like changing their book diapers and Instagramming photos of my books having cute milestones? Will other people just readily accept me and my Book Babies? Will I think I literally gave birth to my Book Babies? Will I think I had sex with a book? Where is the Book Father? Why did he leave me to care for my Book Babies on my own? Why are his child support checks always late? Why did he leave me for a younger, hotter Book? Wait, am I a Book?
BRILLIANT AD IDEA #2. In case your hobbies don’t align with the women pictured above, here a few more options for the This Is My Baby campaign:
- Photo of woman knitting a hat for her bloated pizza stomach
- Photo of woman spoon feeding her student debt
- Photo of woman filling up baby bottles with tears from her mother
- Photo of woman trying to put a onesie on her rent check
- Photo of woman breast feeding the air because her baby right now is literally nothing, and her hobbies and career pursuits shouldn’t be considered equivalent to a living human creature. Similarly, her potential future role as a mother shouldn’t presumably negate her ability to be something other than a mother. I guess breast feeding the air would just look like she non-sexually took her boob out, so you’d have to put a pastie over the nip and Photoshop a man throwing dollar bills at her for the ad to be okay by FCC standards.
- Photo of woman rocking her used tampons to sleep
In other birth control news, a new form of birth control for men is slotted to be on the market for 2017. It’s a one-time shot in the ballz (excuse me, nutsack) that is effective long-term and reversible at any time with another shot.
It’s called Vasalgel, which sounds like someone trying to say ‘Vagisil’ with their fist in their mouth. Maybe something to consider for the ad campaign??
Cue BRILLIANT AD IDEA #3. Some options for the impending marketing campaign for Vasalgel:
- Commercial of a sexy British woman administering the shot in a cabana, filmed POV style obviously
- A spin on “This Is My Baby Right Now” featuring a man dressed up as an adult baby being pushed in a swing by a man laughing and drinking a Coors light.
- We open to a man and woman in bed.
Woman: “Oh, shoot! I forgot to take my pill and we’re out of condoms. I guess no sex for us tonight.”
Man: “Don’t worry. I’m on Vasalgel.”
(Cue animated text of the word VASALGEL. Font is something masculine and sexual. Or maybe just Helvetica with flames coming off either side)
Woman: “Oh, wow! Vasalgel! Even the name makes me v horny.”
(Cue chorus of women moaning Vasalgel interspersed with electric guitar solos)
Man: “Thanks, Vasalgel!”
(Man puts on sunglasses, rides off on motorcycle, gets halfway down the block, realizes he forgot the woman still in bed, goes back to the bedroom, woman is asleep, he cries a single tear and watches reruns of Friends.)
- Isaiah Mustafa??? That’s all I have for that one so far.
Point being, be safe out there, everyone. Use a condom. Get tested. Put a scary T thing up your veeg. Take pictures of your non-baby and tag it #ThisIsMyBaby.
(But really, if you want to do that last thing, I would love it.)