A Collective List of Every Clickbait Headline Ever So Everyone Can Just Stop Now (HURRY AND READ THIS PLZ PLZ PLZPLZPLZ)

Shakespeare. King. Hemingway. Twain. Dickens. Rowling. Read.

These are the first seven names that came up when I Googled “most popular writers” just now. Are they popular? Are they writers? Who can really know. The point is they came up in the top of the Google search, and I included them in list-form at the top of this post because I once read a headline about SEO and inferred that I need more easily-Googled lists to make millions of dollars from the comfort of my own blog.

imma let u finish
Remember when this happened? Crazy, right?  via

But back to you, Dear Reader. What can YOU infer from the list of authors named above? What do you think it means that 6 of the 7 are men? What about the fact that they’re all white? Hmm? What about that? Or perhaps you have feelings about the irony of being an author and having the last name Read.

broad city gif
You been watching Broad City? That show is DOPE, you know? via

Leave your deepest and darkest feelings / thoughts / assumptions / judgmental ideas / biased opinions / unsupported claims / saddest personal stories / spammy chain letters in the comments below. Preferably in all caps with links back to your LiveJournal about the under-appreciated art of macramé.

goat stampede
Ha ha GOATS though! via

Did you skip ahead to this part right above the list like a good wittle internet baby? I hope so because who da f reads big chunks of text AMIRITE? Those gifs looked cool though. I bet they made a lot of sense in context but AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT. (Ha ha, you guys get that sick internet reference? Comment below if you got it.) Uh oh, this part’s getting too long. Better get to that list.


EVERY CLICKBAIT HEADLINE EVER* SO EVERYONE CAN JUST STOP NOW
*The numbers aren’t to put them in any order, but just to make them more digestible. Nom nom eat ’em up!

  1. He Started Talking and Everyone Applauded, But Then He Stopped Talking and Everyone Applauded Even Harder Because His Speech Was Over and That’s Proper Audience Etiquette OR IS IT?
  2. Watch Their Dreams Come True One Second And Completely Fall Apart The Next Because You’re Maybe a Sadist
  3. Think You Could Pass 5th Grade Math? THINK AGAIN! (Only Click If You Are A Currently Struggling 5th Grader Looking for Discouragement)
  4. Are You The Comic Sans of Your Friend Group?
  5. 5 Steps to Becoming a Helvetica
  6. 10 Fonts to Reference So People Think You Know About Typography (Plus 1 We Made Up So You Can Seem Smarter Than Your Friends!)
  7. Does Your House Plant Have an Eating Disorder? The Answer May Shock You!
  8. Try Not To Cry While Watching This (I Couldn’t Make It Past 45 Seconds and I’m a Literal Robot)
  9. 3500 Puppy Gifs To Make You Smile Until You Forget That Child Marriage Is Still A Very Real Thing
  10. BUSTED! Check Out These 11 Celebs Who Got Totally BUSTED While Things You Can Get BUSTED Doing
  11. How Much Wood Could A Woodchuck Chuck If A Woodchuck Was Asked Its Preferred Gender Pronouns?
  12. What Your Butthole Is Saying About You Literally Behind Your Back
  13. Something Something Jennifer Lawrence
  14. Bloopity Bloop Bloop Gender Equality?
  15. Snarfaplopalus RACE?!?!?!
  16. YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT SHE DID WHEN SHE DID WHAT SHE DID HOW DID SHE DO IT WHO KNOWS BETTER CLICK THIS LINK BEFORE SHE RUNS AWAY AND NEVER SPEAKS TO YOU AGAIN WHICH WOULD BE BAD BECAUSE MAYBE WHAT SHE DID WOULD CHANGE YOUR LIFE AND YOU’LL NEVER KNOW BECAUSE NOW SHE’S GONE BYE FELICIA
  17. Every Everything That Ever Evered Ever
  18. Which of These Boobs Looks Bigger To You?
  19. How Your Eyebrow Shape Could Be The Answer To Your Life’s Purpose
  20. Another Fake Article Title So This List Ends On An Even Number

There you have it. All of the clickbait headlines ever. No more will ever exist because I sold my soul in order for this to become the conclusive number one search result when anyone Googles “a list of every clickbait headline ever” or “what color is the dress?” So, if you find any more clickbait headlines, you’re wrong and I’ll block you.

Here’s where I leave you with a question to foster engagement and start a relevant dialogue: Do you think ISIS is really that bad?

Don’t forget to follow, like, comment, share, reblog, revine, reduce, reuse, recycle, tweet, retweet, accidentally favorite, subtweet, submarine, substantiate, sacrifice a virgin, heart, star, double rainbow, and email this to your mom.

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