Did you know that you’re probably doing everything wrong? Yes. All of it. The way you do your laundry? Wrong. The way you eat an apple? Wrongo. The way you’re smashing beer cans on your head because apparently that’s a real thing people do? The Wrongest. What about the secret thing you do sometimes that you think nobody knows about? WRING WRONG THE WITCH IS DEAD BECAUSE YOU KILLED HER WITH HOW SEVERELY YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG.
It’s okay. You’re not alone. There are a lot of people doing it wrong. For example, I once ate very expired instant mashed potatoes by choice. There are a lot of things wrong with that. Like, enough wrong things that it should probably make everything I’m about to say completely invalid.
Oh well! This is the internet, where someone with no credentials can say a thing and that thing can take up space and other people can say things about the thing. And then the thing can even make the local news because it’s a slow day and that’s the society we live in now.
Anyway. Let’s see what you’re doing wrong.
WRONG BECAUSE you’re using both hands to hold your grapes. Um hi, have you never heard of A BOWL? How will you put the grapes in your mouth if you have no spare hands to pluck them? It’s not like you have an ancient Roman servant to do it for you.
…You don’t have that, right?
WRONG BECAUSE that’s not environmentally friendly. You should probably ride a bike or walk or steal a razor scooter or something. I don’t care if you were “carpooling.” You didn’t even invite me to ride in your cool car, so I don’t want to hear about it.
WRONG BECAUSE where will you nap when you get bored and sleepy? On the ground? Atop a bed of peanut shells? Using an empty nacho container as a pillow? Wrapping yourself in cotton candy as a blanket? Realizing you spent at least $50 on a cotton candy blanket? Wait. A cotton candy blanket might actually be marketable. It’s like a Snuggie you can eat! Patent pending. See, you could have been pending patents and starting a multi-million dollar franchise from the comfort of your home, but instead you’re sleeping on the ground at your cousin’s little league football game.
WRONG BECAUSE birds are very dumb and gross and poop with reckless abandon and sometimes try to run even though they have wings. Very wrong. Don’t be a bird. But if you have to be a bird, be a penguin, at least.
WRONG BECAUSE…actually the one dead center is doing something very right. Its hair is so luscious, and I bet it didn’t have to spend $7 on macadamia oils or some human nonsense to make it so. We can all learn from this horse.
WRONG BECAUSE you’re not fooling anyone. Grow hair like that fancy horse, and then come see me.
I THOUGHT WE DISCUSSED THIS. I appreciate that you’re using your anatomy to its full potential now, but I still don’t trust you in the sky.
WRONG BECAUSE you could be inside where there are no crowds and no people. Only blankets and snacks and vacant bathrooms.
WRONG for such obvious reasons I’m not even going to finish this sent
WRONG BECAUSE you should be riding the ferris wheel. That’s how ferris wheels work. Can you believe you’ve lived your whole life doing ferris wheels wrong? Crazy. Seems so obvious now.
WRONG BECAUSE who will read your thoughts and feelings? The trees? Nice try, Pocahontas. Get a Twitter like the rest of us. The logo is a bird which is all the nature you need and all the interaction with a bird you should ever get.
WRONG BECAUSE do you see this noble creature? I take back my over-generalizations of birds. Sincerest apologies to all eagles. Please forgive me, you beautiful winged gods.
If you must be a bird, be an eagle and strike a confusing mix of fear and admiration into all of mankind. Maybe you’ll even get to star in a country music video or make out with the American flag.
WRONG BECAUSE you should never cover your face when showing emotion. How will people know what you’re feeling without a clear display of over-exaggerated facial expressions?
Take this woman for example. Is she laughing so hard at the rain that she’s like, “no stop u r too funny pls i’m gonna pee my pants”? Is she crying while staring out at the rain like every good Rom Com star does? Is she embarrassed by society because it’s 2015 and there’s still a gender wage gap? Is she just sniffing her hand really hard? We will never know because she’s doing emotions very WRONG.
WRONG BECAUSE you could be going to the beach with just one single Rock.
What a life hack!
WRONG BECAUSE you could be using a moving walkway. Way more efficient. Big time saver. Gets you to beach much faster. Can’t use full sentences. Gotta save time.
YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG BECAUSE why are you even wearing clothes? Be a naked eagle and soar to the heavens with The Rock close behind on a jet ski.
There you go! Now you can do everything right, and your life is fixed, and you’re welcome, and that will be $7,000. I accept payment in cash, credit, and cotton candy blanket profit sharing.