Once upon a time there was a Me. Me was smart and beautiful and perfect and, of course, very humble. One Sunday, Me found myself in my usual weekend routine, watching makeup tutorials while pants-less and un-showered. All was well…
UNTIL, Me fell into a k-hole of Disney Princess mythology for no apparent reason. Me was sucked into a world filled with fairy godmothers, clothes-making mice, and Jasmine’s casually brushed over sex slavery. Aside from the unrealistic depictions of female beauty —which Me knew about going in…Me had seen the Buzzfeed listicles — Me was shocked at how little Me could see myself in these Disney Princesses.
“None of these princesses are #relatable,” Me said to the dead bug in the corner of the room me refuses to deal with.
Me searched high and low across the Google to see if anyone had bestowed upon the world some princesses with more attainable lifestyles, seeking a happy medium between fancy dinners in castles and breaking gender norms by fighting in a literal war. After exhaustively looking at the first page of the search results, Me came up empty.
“Okay, I’ll do it. I’ll make the #relatable Disney Princesses,” Me said because Me likes making everything about myself. The dead bug gave silent approval.
Now, there are apparently rules for being an official Disney Princess, like being born into or marrying into a monarchy. For the intents and purposes of these new princesses, the rules will expand to include “being in the general vicinity of a monarchy,” which entails having heard any songs by the almighty Queen Beyoncé or driving past a Burger King at some point in time. Eating Dairy Queen or knowing the words to a Sean Kingston song don’t count toward eligibility. The line must be drawn somewhere.
These new princesses will not be visually shown because you should use your imagination every once in a goddamn while, and not at all because Me draws poorly and doesn’t even know if Me owns a computer mouse.
Let’s meet our new princesses!
Princess Karen changed her major three times in college. She’s often seen with her tousled hair in a top knot because she probably hasn’t showered. Princess Karen dreams of a world beyond her couch but doesn’t want to put on pants any time soon. Will Princess Karen ever find love? I mean, probably, but can she just focus on, like, one part of her life at a time?
We meet Princess Emily immediately after she’s finished an entire sleeve of Ritz crackers in one sitting. We follow her on a quest to figure out who set the serving size for Ritz crackers at such an unreasonably low number. A memorable moment in Princess Emily’s story is when she sings her signature song, Ritz-flection:
Who is this girl I see, staring straight back at me?
Oh, it’s just me. I couldn’t tell with all the crumbs on my face.
This was all probably a poor choice.
Princess Haley’s story begins while unexpectedly getting her period in a public bathroom. A stranger enters. Could it be her Fairy Godmother? Perhaps, but Princess Haley gets self-conscious and doesn’t ask if the stranger has any spare tampons. Princess Haley’s story ends with her waddling out of the bathroom wearing a makeshift pad constructed from bunched up toilet paper and a toilet seat cover. There were no singing mice to help her in her time of need.
Princess Rachelle reluctantly agreed to go on a Tinder date, because it’s wedding season and the influx of engagement photos on Facebook is giving her an unnecessary sense of urgency. Also, she kind of wants her Aunt Lisa to shut up about “using it while she’s still got it.” Gross, Aunt Lisa.
Uh oh, tick tock! Is that Princess Rachelle’s biological clock? No, silly! It’s a literal clock. Princess Rachelle has to be home by midnight! Is it because she’ll turn into a spaghetti squash if she’s out after 12? Get real, dumb dumb. It’s a weeknight, and she has work in the morning.
Imagine Sleeping Beauty, resting peacefully with her golden hair falling perfectly across her pillow. Then, think of the literal opposite of that, add offensively prominent bags under her eyes, and you’ll have Princess Danielle! Her bedtime is somewhere between 10:30 pm and 4 am, depending on whether she has the self-control to stop watching every true crime show Netflix recommends for her. Her Fairy Godmother is the Lunesta butterfly carrying a bottle of melatonin. After a visit from her Fairy Godmother, she sings her signature song “A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes (When You’re Doped Up On Sleep Aids),” but she never gets past the first verse.
Princess @HarryStylesIsThe1D4Me is a 35-year-old CPA running a One Direction fan account on Twitter. This princess’s signature song is a drunken lip-synching of “Steal My Girl,” and their spirit guide is this gif of Ryan Seacrest.
And everyone lived happily every after. Especially Emily because homegirl ate all the Ritz crackers.
Which new princess are you most like? Is it Karen? It’s probably Karen.