You’ve probably been feeling a lot of pressure lately to get your Dad Bod back. You remember your Dad Bod, right? How could you forget! With the constant depictions of it in the media recently, it’s like, “Enough, Media! We get it! Cool it with the depictions!”
The crazy thing is we were all BORN with Dad Bods. Seems impossible, right? But it’s true! Portly little bellies, chubby thighs, arms with poor muscle tone, baldish. Those are the days we all yearn for. Who wouldn’t love to go back to a time when we didn’t have to think twice about what we ate or what we wore or where we pooped or how death is imminent? But let’s face it…our bodies just aren’t what they used to be!
Here’s a shocking stat: there are over 320 MILLION search results when you Google “how to get your body back after you have a baby.” Guess how many there are when you search “how to get your Dad Bod back”? Who knows, but here are the actual auto-fill results for “how to get a dadbod.”
Getting your Dad Bod back is key to getting back your confidence, your happiness, your job, your house, the girl who wouldn’t go to prom with you because she was “only in 8th grade,” and your real, true self.
Check out these 5 easy tips to getting back your Dad Bod and getting back your life!
1. Watch What You Eat
Stare at it for long periods of time contemplating how it will all eventually just turn into poop. Gaze into your food’s soul and find out its favorite color. Look longingly at it and say, “I wish I could eat you up, mini corn dogs,” and then, DO IT. Eat those fried, little tubes of meat byproduct with reckless abandon and 4 different dipping sauces. Remember, it will all be worth it once you’re back to your Dad Bod-having self.
2. Reduce Your Exercise
Does whacking it burn calories? Probably not a significant amount! That’s why masturbating is the signature workout for getting back your Dad Bod. And it works out the most important part of your body: your brain!
Flex your imagination and pretend someone else it touching it for once. It’s a proven fact that boosting imagination boosts confidence, and boosting confidence boosts your chances of someone else actually touching it for real.
3. Hang Out With Other Dad Bods
Form a community of Dad Bods to help motivate each other. Make a pact to only do fantasy leagues with your fellow Dad Bods. Leave your families and move in together. Create a Dad Bod government. Vote for who will be your Dad Bod President. Decide you’d prefer a monarchy and dub someone the King. Then, knight each other and play with swords forever.
4. Allow Yourself to Have a Cheat Day
This is where you don’t picture your wife when you’re whackin’ it, which makes every day a cheat day! Yay!
5. Don’t Forget to Smile
We all know the saying: It takes 30some muscles to frown, but only one stranger berating you on the subway to smile! Oh wait, I meant this one: A smile is the best makeup you can wear if your gender isn’t expected to wear makeup! That’s a quote from our founding Dad Bod, Ben Franklin.
Make sure to share these tips and tricks with your female friends! They’d love to hear how easily you’re maintaining your Dad Bod! Maybe they’ll even touch it!