A Guide to Smelling Less Prejudiced


Tired of the general shit-smell of your garbage-person self? So is everyone around you! But have no fear — the secret to ridding yourself of the offensiveness you radiate is simple.

Does the secret involve recognizing your own ignorance, educating yourself, and having a general sense of empathy? Maybe, but that seems hard and also like learning. What a snoozefest!

The simple secret to smelling less prejudiced is just to mask the stink with something else. Quick, easy, and very noncommittal!

Everybody knows if you cover something disgusting with enough pleasantries, it neutralizes it entirely and doesn’t at all come across as the rancid stink pile masked in excuses and vanilla that it is. Have you never seen a Febreze commercial?

Way To Smell Less Prejudiced #1: The Classic
Do you feel a racist comment coming on? Not a problem! Just preface the comment with “not to be racist but…” and you’re golden!

Saying “not to be racist but…” 100% neutralizes your statement and is also completely valid in the same way calling dibs gives you legal entitlement to something.

It’s a very adaptable phrase as well and can be adjusted to become “not to be sexist” or “not to be homophobic” or, everyone’s favorite, “not to be offensive”.

Think of this statement as Chanel No. 9 mixed with toilet water. Both are timeless classics, and the notes of jasmine help diffuse the metaphorical poo of your personality as well as the literal poo from the toilet water.

Way To Smell Less Prejudiced #2: The It Girl
This is the hot statement of the moment! When someone calls you out for saying something offensive, aimlessly deflect the statement by saying, You calling me a bigot actually makes you a bigot.” No need to back up your claim any further. You’ll definitely be turning heads when you claim that someone is infringing on your right to infringe on other people’s rights.

This statement is like wringing out a Clorox wipe into an empty bottle of Justin Bieber’s perfume, Someday. As in “Someday I’ll take responsibility for my actions, but until then, I’ll just keep refilling this bottle of perfume with dirty counter top water.”

Way To Smell Less Prejudiced #3: The “Be Cool, Baby”
Someone trying to harsh your bigoted mellow? How lame and terrible of them!

Spritz them with a “Be cool, Baby”! Just one little spray will disperse whatever clearly obscene comment you made into 1000 micro-comments that will engulf the person whole, until they become one big walking, talking Baby who is Being Cool.

Or just mace them with Axe. No metaphor here. Just some solid promo for Axe.

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