As we near the end of summer and the days are hot and murderous, it’s important to find new ways to stay cool.
Sure, you could crank up the AC but think about the BILLS!!!! (cue campy shoulder shrug and sad trombone). And there’s always the community pool, but you can’t go back there after that man asked about your “nationality,” told you he could tell you were part Asian by “your kung fu stare,” and then loudly inquired, “HEY AREN’T YOU THAT FILIPINO CHICK” the next time you saw him at the pool. Also, you know you can’t trust a baby in a swim diaper. Get real.
So, here are just a few ways to keep cool with things you probably already have in your home.
1. Get lots of little buckets of ice and put them around your home and spaces.
They’re a great lil snacky for when you want to crunch down on a cool cube and perfect for when you want to do an impromptu ice bucket challenge and go viral and then wow look now you’re double cool.
2. Make a squirt-y water fan.
This is where you tell the tiny cherub you were gifted upon puberty to fly near you and whisper compliments in your ear while it spritzes you with the water it keeps in its chubby cherub cheeks. Positive affirmation AND constant rehydration!
3. Carry around sunglasses.
Put those bad boys on whenever you want to show the world how chill you really are and feel. The coolest person in the room is without a doubt always the one wearing sunglasses. Because everyone’s like, “Can you believe Jeff has the confidence to wear sunglasses to this wake? Wish I had his pizazz.”
4. Get a catchphrase.
I’ve been saying “how dare you” a lot. That’s not even a joke. It’s just a confession. I use it with reckless abandon and no context. It’s controlling my speech, and I no longer know how to respond earnestly to things. And what’s cooler than being disingenuous? Did you just mentally answer that rhetorical question with an actual answer? How dare you.
5. Find a girl squad and adapt to whichever typecast role they need.
Maybe you’ll get to be the sporty one but probably not.
6. Get cast in the next Fast and Furious movie.
Extra cool points to you if you’re Vin Diesel. And extra-extra cool points to me if you’re Vin Diesel because hi hello Vin Diesel. Big fan of your work, and by that I mean your shiny scalp and likely ability to carry me around in the palm of your hand. Please contact me for future business opportunities.
7. Hang out in a Costco freezer.
Insider tip: Score a spot behind the mini-quiches. Nobody will expect a Cool such as yourself to be chillin’ — quick moment of recognition for that pun — behind a food so lame and boring as frozen egg pies. Also, the unexpected nature of this hiding location will up your cool factor a sweet 2 points to the employees at Costco when they inevitably find you desperately gnawing on an unthawed Hot Pocket for sustenance.
8. Imagine life as a penguin and follow through.
Seems obvious, but it really works!
9. Become one with a Fudgesicle.
10. Abandon all responsibilities and the ones you love.
Nothing’s cooler than the frigid chill of isolation.
Hats hats hats hats hats hats hats hats. That’s the catchphrase for hats. Hats are so cool they have their own catchphrase, and it’s just the name of what they are repeated 8 times.
How are you staying cool this summer? Is it by turning all that hot air in your head into a blog post? Just me? Okay.