Can you guys believe it’s already October?! Incredible. Seems like only yesterday summer was starting, swimsuit season was in full swing, and we’d just surpassed 100 mass shootings in the US. Now it’s already fall, there have been over 260 mass shootings, and the Pumpkin Spice Latte is BACK! Time sure flies when you’re not having effective conversations on gun violence!

My favorite thing about the passage of time is my ability to measure it in terms of things I recently purchased or experienced, deem it as content that isn’t entirely masturbatory, put it on the internet, and expect actual humans to read it.

Everyone! Gather ’round and live vicariously through the best parts and pieces of the past 30 days I’ve compiled into one consumable blog post in effort to appear as though I only ever do cool things. Let’s get all cozy and hold metaphoric hands as we blatantly pretend that going to work or watching cooking tutorials for fancy paninis or crying while I contemplate my purpose aren’t a significant part of my monthly routine.

FAVORITE #1: ME BEING A MODEL

My sister, Ana, designed a collection of 10 outfits for Milwaukee Fashion Week. I’m sorry, I don’t think you were paying attention: My sister designed clothes for a literal fashion show featuring outfits she created from inital concept to final garment for one of the biggest fashion events in the Milwaukee area. Also, she’s still in college. It’s whatever.

Ana had me model one of the outfits and ugh, okay, fine, I guess I’ll show you pictures of me in the show now.

FAVORITE #2: THE INTERNET BEING IN LOVE WITH ME!!!

Here’s the thing, guys. You can spend a stupid amount of time writing long form content you convince yourself the world wants, like I may or may not be doing right now (hint: I am). OR you can dick around for 10 minutes on Photoshop, jizz out something dumb, and the internet will swallow it up. (But could I have subtly incorporated a fellatio joke in a short form piece? Hmm, internet? Probably? Okay.)

I made this Tumblr about a month ago. You don’t have to look at it. The content is inconsistent and mediocre and jk pls look at it. I guess someone who runs this Bernie Sanders Facebook page was one of the 20 people who saw it on Tumblr and shared this:

Then, it got shared on Reddit.

Then, I realized people have strong feelings about the use of “riddled” vs “saddled.”

Then, I ate a sandwich.

Then, I obsessed for a little too long over how many likes and shares and upvotes and reblogs and views and comments it had.

Then, I started writing this post you are reading.

Then, I found out it was shared here and here.

And here I am now, a completely changed person living off of that sweet, sweet viral money and definitely not just trying to fill the empty void inside of me with the affirmation of strangers who have no idea I made the thing they like because proper attribution isn’t always given and do you think “As Seen on @TheFatJewish” will have clout on a resume?

FAVORITE #3: MEEEEEMEMEMEMEMEMEE ME

Ana also made me a dress for my birthday, and I was like OKAY I GET IT YOU’RE TALENTED AND I’M OBSESSED WITH YOU CAN WE TALK ABOUT ME NOW PLEASE.

She wanted to do a photoshoot while I was in town for her show, and I was like OH NO I CAN’T I’M TOO SHY AND HUMBLE AND MODEST AND WHY AREN’T YOU GETTING MY GOOD SIDE I LOOK BEAUTIFUL AF WHEN I’M BEING SHY AND HUMBLE.

FAVORITE #4: ME DANCING ONSTAGE WITH TURQUOISE JEEP

That’s it. That’s the whole story. I went to a Turquoise Jeep show, and I danced onstage to a song called “Treat Me Like a Pirate,” and why do you need any further explanation?

Just a casual Tuesday evening, twerking with my close friends Yung Humma and Flynt Flossy to a song with the chorus “Treat me like a pirate and gimme dat booty,” echoed by the distant sound of my parents’ hearts breaking.

FAVORITE #5: ME AS A BIRD

These are two videos of me when I was a bird. My comedic timing was much better when I had feathers.

What are your September favorites and how do they relate to me and why aren’t they just me to begin with?