I come to you all in my time of need and seek forgiveness and understanding but mostly your attention. I did something last night I need to get off my chest. It’s dirty and disgusting, and I want you all to stare helplessly at my car crash of a life choice.
WARNING: What you are about to read may be disturbing to most and offensive to all. Here is your chance to continue living life without knowing the awful, horrific thing I did.
Just stop while you’re ahead, and forever wonder if I mean horrific in a “chopped my finger clean off” kind of way or a “realized I have a garlic press fetish” kind of way or a “spent 5 minutes trying to think of an obscure fetish” kind of way.
I mean, you could also scroll down slightly, take a sneaky lil peeky at what I did, and then click away and pretend you saw nothing, but only after you follow and like and share and send me air kisses.
Okay. Here it is. The depraved thing that I did.
I clicked on this article:
I’m not going to link to the story as to not lead you into temptation and to deliver you from clickbait evil, and also because HuffPo Entertainment doesn’t need the promo. BUT I BIT THE BAIT, GUYS. I bit it so hard.
Two things to know about me in light of this confession:
- I am not actively engaged in Blake Shelton’s life, and I’m only passively obsessed with the idea of Gwen Stefani. Like, sometimes I remember she did push ups during the middle of No Doubt shows, and in those moments I think, “Oh, maybe she’s someone I would enjoy knowing more about.” And then, I go back to forgetting about her entirely.
- I do not watch The Voice. I don’t think I’ve ever watched The Voice. The fact that I’m not sure whether or not I’ve seen that show should tell you how invested I am in it. It’s none. I am none invested.
I clicked on a story that could have had the title:
Nothing Really Happened With Two People You Don’t Know In A Setting You Are Unfamiliar With
Here are some other things that also mostly didn’t happen on Monday.
- I mostly didn’t spill coffee on myself except for when I did.
- I mostly didn’t eat meat except for when there were surprise bacon bits on my baked potato. Me not eating meat was as incidental as me eating it. This is commonplace for me. Nothing new to report.
- Clocks mostly didn’t say 10:47, aside from the two times of day when it was 10:47.
- The general population mostly didn’t remember the titans, and how dare you all disrespect Sunshine in that way.
- People mostly didn’t care what Jaleel White was up to since he didn’t do anything newsworthy like, say, mostly not flirting with someone.
I suppose we all occasionally waver. We bite the bait. We click the link. We do the thing the title of the piece begs us not to do solely because the title begged us not to do it.
But here’s something we can all take solace in. A beacon of hope of this dark, dark time:
I didn’t even read the full story.