Catcalling Things In My General Vicinity

Hey, Remote. What are you doing way over there? Why don’t you come over here so I can treat you like a remote deserves to be treated? What I mean is I’m going to push your buttons. But like, really well. I said, I’m gonna push your buttons really well. Why are you ignoring me, remote? Are you calling me lazy? Think I can’t get up and turn you on? I mean, turn the TV on. SEE, NOW YOU GOT ME ALL FLUSTERED, AND ALSO I’M PRETTY SURE MOST TVS REQUIRE YOU TO USE THE REMOTE IN ORDER TO EVEN CHANGE THE CHANNEL NOW, SO SHUT UP WHATEVER I DON’T NEED YOU. I WANTED TO WATCH NETFLIX ON MY COMPUTER ANYWAY, BITCH.

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Damn, Bathroom Floor. Are you trying to kill me looking like that? Because a lot of accidental deaths occur in the bathroom. I bet I could make you so wet after I took a shower and realized I should really buy a bathmat and shower curtains and maybe a more absorbent towel.

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What’s up, Netflix? Where’s that square-faced smile I like? You down to marathon?
What do you mean, “Am I still watching?” Yeah, I’m still watching. You can’t tell me not to watch. It’s a free country. I can still be watching. DON’T PUT ALL 7 SEASONS OF GILMORE GIRLS IN MY FACE IF YOU DON’T WANT ME TO WATCH ALL 7 SEASONS AT ONCE. AGAIN, IT IS A FREE COUNTRY, AND YOU CAN’T TAKE AWAY THAT RIGHT. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? HULU? YOU’RE NO HULU, BITCH.

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Hulu. Hey, Hulu. Woah, woah hold on — why’d you just throw out that you’re “subscription-only” now? Maybe I have a subscription somewhere else. Maybe I wasn’t even looking to watch anything. Maybe I was just checking to see if you have any updates to your user interface. I can do that without a subscription. Not everybody that checks your site is looking for a subscription. I didn’t even bring up subscriptions. You did. And you know that I could get your login information if I wanted to. I COULD GET THE LOGIN INFORMATION OF LITERALLY ANY SUBSCRIPTION-BASED STREAMING SERVICE HERE, SO YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY I EVEN CAME TO YOU, DAMN.

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I wish you had a twin, Sock I Found Under The Couch.

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Smile more, Mirror.

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I’m gonna tear you up for real, Expired Coupon From Target For A Toothpaste I Never Buy.

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Excuse me? Leftovers In The Back Of The Fridge? I was just wondering what you are. Like, where are you from? Are you Chinese? No? Are you sure? Are you Mexican? You look like you could be Mexican. You sure you’re not Mexican? I have a lot of friends who go to Mexican restaurants, so I can usually tell. Oh, are you from one of those Asian fusion restaurants? I just want to know because I love Asian fusion restaurants. I DON’T CARE THAT I CAN’T HAVE YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE MY ROOMMATE’S LEFTOVERS. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU ARE, BITCH.

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One comment

  1. You should totally buy a bathroom mat. Having one after a shower is such a feeling of luxury, it’s the height of luxury when your feet are used to the coldness of a hard, empty floor.

    (ps. I think a catcall is actually a compliment, like you are telling a girl “you’re hot” or something)

    Like

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