Just The Tipsy: What Do Women Want?

Welcome to the inaugural post of Just The Tipsy, a series in which I get a little drunk and give advice on things. Today I’ll be answering your burning love questions…from this list of 10 things men are dying to know about women from 2013. If there’s one thing I’m an expert in, it’s giving very late advice on things I’m not an expert in.

Can you believe there isn’t anywhere on the internet where you can find people getting drunk and doing things? It’s a 100% untapped market. No one has ever done it. What I’m trying to say is I am a pioneer, and it’s amazing I’m not immortalized on any currency yet.

Well, ding dong the Love Doctor is in. It’s me. I make house calls. It’s quaint and convenient. Anyway, I’ve got your remedy right here. It’s gin. Ha ha just kidding. That’s for me.

Why does my ex keep trying to be my friend?
Probably because it’s lonely in the toolshed and can’t connect to the weed whacker anymore. Get it? Because “ex” kinda sounds like “axe”? No? Well, fine whatever your axe probably deserves better than you anyway.

What’s the best way to approach a beautiful woman?
It’s super easy! Just go up to them and ask, “Did you order a pizza?” If they say “yes,” great! Give them the pizza. If they say “no,” also great because you get to keep the pizza. It’s important to note that you should have a pizza, and this only works for actual delivery people.

What part of a guy’s body do women like most?
Ooh, how do you chose ;) I know a lot of women who are super into knee creases, but tight elbow wrinkles are also making a comeback. Deep knuckle pits are a must have. Ear caverns are controversial, but the women who love them really love them. As for me, the first things I notice about a guy are his toenail beds and eye crusties. I guess it just depends person to person.

Do women care whether we shave?
Yes. All women have secret meetings where we talk about who’s shaved and who hasn’t. The Non-Shavers are always ranked on a scale from grass clippings to human yarn tangle. But how we deliberate over the Shavers varies. For example, next meeting we’ll be asked to match photos of disembodied shaved chins to their owners. However, last meeting, we had to take turns plucking a hair from our own head and saying the name of a completely bald celebrity. The person who ran out of names or hair first lost. We have quarterly debates on foreign policy where the winner gets to Nair any part of a mannequin completely covered in wigs. I’ve already called dibs on the eyelashes for next quarter, so that’s something I have to look forward to.

How can I get my girlfriend to be more adventurous in bed?
Start with something approachable like silk bed sheets or a double-ended vibrator. From there, it’ll be pretty easy to work your way up to the really crazy stuff like a leaky waterbed filled with horny piranhas or a rock wall that leads to a sexy foam party or two double-ended vibrators.

How long should I wait to call a woman after she’s given me her number?
Depends on the situation, but usually at least 30 years.

What’s the best way to impress a woman on the first date?
Maybe instead of trying to impress her, try to empress her. That’s where you make her a literal empress. Give her land to oversee and people to lead. She is ready, and her reign will be just.

Is there a surefire way to tell whether she’s into me or just being nice?
Probably.

Why can’t I give my girlfriend an orgasm during sex?
First, try turning her on. Then, turn her off. Now, turn her back on and see if the light is still blinking. If this keep happening, you may need to restart or unplug her entirely. You can always try calling customer service. That has a reputation for taking a while, but they can probably help you figure it out if you literally just ask what to do. Cough cough ahem that last sentence is a metaphor sneeze cough.

How can I escape the friend zone?
Escaping the friend zone isn’t so much the issue as trying to figure out where to go after you escape. You’ll probably want to seek refuge in a neighboring friend, but it’s becoming a highly politicized issue and many are banning the entry of any former occupants of the friend zone. Well…Best of luck! 

There you have it. That’s everything you need to know about women as told by an actual, live human woman.

What do you want advice on next? Leave a comment below, and I’ll probably ignore it and just get drunk and answer a MySpace questionnaire instead.

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