Look At My Goddamn Dog

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Her name is Ava, and she’s an adorable little psycho just like her mommy.

I call myself “mommy” now, too. I give my dog kisses on the head every time she makes pee pee outside. I give her all the snacks so she loves me but doesn’t respect me. I sometimes let her sleep in my bed because it makes me feel big and powerful to know I can take away that privilege at any time. I’ve yelled at a stray cat to “stay away from my baby,” and my body has instinctually started lactating.


I don’t like to say that I rescued her. Because I didn’t. She just happened to run away to my house twice. When Ava’s original owner came to pick her up the second time, she was like, “Oh, Ava gets out a lot.” And I was like, “Yeah same me too.” And her owner was like, “No, like she runs away a lot.” And I was like, “Yeah same I run from my feelings too.” And she was like, “You can keep her if you want. She seems to like you, and we don’t really have enough time to take care of her right now.” And I was like, “Yes cool the dependence is already mutual.” So, now I carry around a dog in a baby bjorn while drinking white wine. My transition to suburban mom has been swift and effortless.

A few fun facts about Ava: she’s a mix between a Bichon and a cotton ball with legs, she loves naps, and she’s obsessed with me. My maternal instincts are fully engaged. Or whatever instinct it is that makes you want to exploit the things you love for money and internet fame.

If you’re hiring, here’s a brief rundown of Ava’s strengths and weaknesses. You can email me for her full resume, which is an 18 minute video of her eating grass.


  • Great comedic timing. We have this running bit where she cocks her head every time she hears a fart.
  • Being soft
  • Getting poop caught in her butt fur 24/7
  • Finding all the disgusting garbage smells to roll her body in
  • Being dependent on me for everything and not chipping in for rent, groceries, a Hulu Plus subscription, etc.
  • Making her mouth and butthole smell exactly the same


  • She barked at the mailman today, which is very cliche and embarrassing. We’ll have to discuss how this is bad for both our brands. There’s a good chance she was doing it to be ironic, which further proves her excellent grasp of comedy.
  • She sheds significantly less than me. Like, at least try to keep up.
  • No thumbs
  • She’s an ENFP probably :/

How else should I exploit my dog and capitalize on her existence? Do you think I can claim her as a dependent on my taxes? How long is too long to breastfeed?

5 thoughts on “Look At My Goddamn Dog

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