13 Things You Hear When You Quit Your Job

Did you know everyone is quitting their job? It’s so standard and normal that there is now an official list of the things you hear when you quit your job. This is the list. I made the list. It’s official because it’s on the internet and that is all the necessary paperwork required to make it official. Here are each of the 13 things you hear when you quit your job.

  1. “Time to polish up your resume. Shine its shoes and put some pants on it. Turn that CV into a pretty date and take it out to dinner. Fall in love and live off the fruit of the land.”
  2. “I quit my job once, and look at me now. I make money from home as a full-time houseplant.”
  3. “Did they let you keep a copy of your desk chair? I know how much work you put into it.”
  4. The distant sound of your parents’ hearts breaking as you contemplate buying the cereal that comes in a bag
  5. “If it was because you hated your ID picture, I understand. I stopped driving for the same reason.”
  6. “Spend all your time waiting for that second chance. For a break? That would make it okay!”
  7. The nest egg in your savings account hatching. Is it a little dove? A tiny swan? Oh, it’s just a goo monster baby that turns everything it touches into credit card debt.
  8. “I respect your choice to be a stay-at-home parent to your goo monster baby. These are precious moments you’ll never get back.”
  9. The ghost of your first internship, which usually sounds like someone scanning a cup of coffee or a person stapling a turkey sandwich.
  10. “If you need a coworker, I have some old yarn I am not using.”
  11. “Amazing! Might I see your before and after pictures?”
  12. “Now you may search porn all day! Nothing is stopping you!”
  13. “Here is a pie I baked in celebration. It is good and will make a fine boss. You may report to this pie from now on.”

What are some things you heard when you quit your job? Was it the deafening silence of your mortality? Just kidding! There are no other things you hear! It’s only these 13 things and don’t prove me otherwise because you’re wrong and I don’t need to grow or change!

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