As The Owner Of A Pussy, I’m Offended By The Comments On That Tape

It should come as no surprise to anyone that the recently leaked audio of Donald Trump and Billy Bush is unsettling to me. But I understand it may also be easier for me to recognize the gravity of what was said. Because I have a pussy.

Now, you may be thinking, “Hold on. I myself don’t have a pussy. So, I wasn’t quite sure how to feel when he said he could just ‘grab them by the pussy’ without asking. How does this relate to me if I don’t have a pussy?” Excellent point. How does anyone know how to feel about anything if it doesn’t mention them explicitly?

Well, for starters, you probably know lots of pussies. You’re related to at least one and may be friends with a handful of others — pardon the innuendo.

Think of it this way: That could have been your daughter’s pussy. Your mother’s pussy. The pussy of your great aunt twice removed. You protect the pussies you love. Because they’re pussies. Pussies are to be championed and revered, not objectified. You must defend pussies. Especially the pussies you’re related to. Because those pussies are different in a way you can’t quite put your finger in. I mean, on.

You’d never say anything like that in front of the pussies you love, right? And you especially wouldn’t if you knew all of America’s pussies were listening. Pussies of every age. The young pussies. The 20-something pussies. Even the pussies in their early-30s.

Pussies shouldn’t be privy to that kind of language. They are beautiful and delicate and sweet and soft and pink only. Of course, a pussy is more than its physical appearance. Pussies can also make babies, thus making them magical and mysterious. Who knows what goes on in there? Definitely not people who pass laws about it.

You may be wondering how we got to this point as a society. How this attitude towards pussies has become normalized. Why pussies only matter in terms of their relationship to the people without them. Like the pussy itself, it remains a mystery. There’s just no way to know how this has become a part of our culture.

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