PC Culture Hurts My Fee-Fees

Picture this: You’re going about your business, blasting off-color jokes through a megaphone, and someone comes up to you and says, “Excuse me, that’s offensive. Please don’t say that.”

Uh, excuse you, indeed. 1) You ruined the punchline and 2) I wasn’t even talking to you, Person Who Belongs To The Group I Was Making Stereotypical Statements About. Didn’t you learn manners? Please and thank you? Law and order? Detective Munch? Ice-T at his prime? Being quiet forever and not making me learn or grow or change?

I miss the days when people could take a joke. It seems like everyone is so much more sensitive now that more people have accessible platforms to voice their concerns for both explicit and coded bigotry. Lighten up a little. Sorry, I meant caucasian up a little.

How am I supposed to keep track of what I can and can’t say? It’s exhausting. It makes me physically tired. And when I get tired, I get grumpy. And when I get grumpy, it get on Twitter and talk about how women are biologically inferior to men. And then I get yelled at for making broad, inflammatory remarks about half of the population. And then, the cycle starts again. What I’m saying is if you don’t want me to make sexist comments, stop telling me not to make sexist comments.

You don’t see dudes getting all upset about those novelty t-shirts that say things like, “My wife’s the real boss of me” and “I don’t know, ask my wife.” Hate to say it, but maybe it’s because men have a better sense of humor. Or maybe it’s because of societal ideas like women can only have power in a sexual relationship and men being subservient to women is ha ha so funny because it emasculates them and being not manly is funny because it makes you more like a woman and being a woman is funny but not in a “funny ha ha” way more like in a “funny sad” way. But it’s probably the men being funnier thing.

And don’t even get me started about being a “racist.” I’m not racist. I love all the races. I ONLY watch porn with minorities. If I were so racist, I would never be able to have even a single orgasm while watching non-white people be degraded to sexual objects for my pleasure. Wouldn’t be possible. So, what if my Tinder profile makes racial specifications. That’s just preference and definitely not rooted in racist ideas of beauty, attraction, how people are valued, etc. Like I said, I’ve touched it to TONS of videos of minorities. To completion, mind you.

If I’m such a bigot, how come I have a brown dog? Hmm? I even had a waiter once that was gay — excuse me, Homosexual American. I have many co-workers, acquaintances, cashiers, passers-by who are not exactly like me. We don’t have conversations. We just take role call of the spots we fill and go about our days. I keep constant tally of the amount of diverse friends I have because it’s so, so important to appear like I accept different perspectives when trying to defend my one, very limited perspective.

I have feelings too, you know. I’m a human being with unique experiences and individual hardships. It sucks to have these sweeping generalizations made about me every time I make jokes that rely on sweeping generalizations about entire populations of people. I do want equality for all people regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, class, ability, favorite Spice Girl, thoughts on the Tony award-winning musical Hamilton.

Because progress matters. But my feelings matter more right now.

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