How To Vote Like A Lady

November 8th is here! What color are you painting your nails? Are you going with your dream date? Did you register to vote in time or will you have to break some disappointing news to future generations? Is your hair going to be up or down? Here’s a handy checklist to make sure you vote like a lady today.

  1. Review what’s on your ballot beforehand. You’ll feel much more confident when you’re asked to perform an interpretive ribbon dance to the reading of each amendment being voted on.
  2. Nothing is more embarrassing than showing up to vote in the same outfit as someone else. Pick an outfit that’s unique to you and speaks to the historical symbolism of this election. It could be your prom dress with blood dumped all over it Carrie-style or a pantsuit made out of tampon applicators or a muumuu and funky hat!
  3. While optional, costume changes are highly encouraged while in the voting booth. Just something to keep in mind.
  4. There may be long lines, so wear comfortable shoes or bring a horse to sit sidesaddle in line.
  5. Find your polling place. Who knows! Yours could be in Chris Evans’ breakfast nook ;) but it’s probably at a church or school.
  6. It’s best to vote while on your period, especially if casting a vote electronically. The machines work better if they can sync to the voter’s cycle.
  7. Bring proper identification. Some states require a government issued ID, like a driver’s license. You could also bring an oil portrait or a printout of photos you’re tagged in on Instagram, but this is mostly for show and not a valid form of ID.
  8. Curtsy before entering the booth and extend your right hand for the ballot to kiss.
  9. Remember to vote from your vagina. Warm up with some kegels in line. It’ll make it easier to grip the pen.
  10. If you don’t orgasm your first time, that’s okay. It may take a few times voting with a woman on the ballot to ultimately reach climax. But remember: having an orgasm isn’t the only goal. Voting can feel phenomenal and fulfilling on its own.
  11. Refuel with the free snacks. You just exercised your right to vote and need to replenish all the calories you just burned with at least 7 donuts. If you feel sore for the rest of the day, that’s completely normal given the intensity of this election cycle.
  12. Don’t forget to have fun and smile and be approachable but not too approachable and look cute but not like a baby but kinda like a baby and why haven’t you had a baby yet and don’t leave your drink unattended and just say you have a boyfriend if anyone asks. Also, fill in the circles completely.

 

Any other tips and tricks on how to vote like a lady? Fun election day makeup looks? Whether we should abandon political parties and determine allegiance through Zodiac signs? Comment below in confusing verbiage, and I’ll cast a vote solely based on how my girl brain feels that day.

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