A little over a month ago, a grease fire started in my kitchen. I woke up one morning, and it was just there. Apparently grease fires can still happen even if your stove is electric and you consistently post anti-grease fire articles on Twitter.
I still don’t understand how it happened. A few people told me it probably had something to do with the generations of built up gunk on my stove. That seems crazy though. I’ve worked and even lived around the gunk, and it never bothered me. And then those people were like, “You primarily use the microwave so how would you even know.” But some of my best appliances are stoves, so I feel like I would have a pretty good idea.
I don’t feel like I added to the gunk personally. One time, I even called out a piece of gunk that was on the stove. It was very big and apparent. I posted a picture of it on Facebook afterward, but I guess that didn’t fix it. I suppose there were charred bits so subtle and deeply embedded into the stove I didn’t even notice they were there. It actually wasn’t until the gunk started flaking off and revealing itself that I realized, “Oh, that’s disgusting and maybe shouldn’t be part of a stove.”
While I haven’t been able to extinguish the grease fire, I have found ways to coexist with it. So, before my house inevitably becomes engulfed in flames, I thought I’d share some of the tips and tricks I’ve been using to live with a grease fire.
Properly Identify The Grease Fire
It’s important to recognize the severity of the problem, especially when it comes to fires. So, don’t brush it off as just a few flames. Don’t assume it’s just heat that got a little out of control. Definitely don’t soften the issue by saying it’s “alt-warmth.” Call it what it is: a straight up grease fire that’s going to burn your house down.
Don’t Fight Grease Fires With Water
This goes against every one of your fire-fighting instincts, but for the love of god, don’t put water on it. It seems like the obvious and logical thing to do, but grease fires defy logic and reason and also water. Because oil and water don’t mix, the water will cause the grease fire to explode and spread and nothing will make sense anymore. Grease fires exist in a reality that is post-water.
Don’t Fight Grease Fires With More Fire
I doused my bed in gasoline to try to reclaim fire as a concept, but that just singed my eyebrows completely off and didn’t seem to deter the grease fire at all. It’s best to avoid starting any additional fires altogether.
Donate To Your Local Fire Department
Giving money to a fire department, especially a local one, is a great way to show your resistance to the grease fire. Calling the fire department can also be an effective option, but I hate talking on the phone. Classic millennial!
It’s good to take your mind off the grease fire every once in awhile. Take a walk, and breath in the fresh, smoke-free air. Binge Netflix in another room. Pamper yourself with a bath. It’s relaxing and will keep you safe if the fire spreads, so long as you stay submerged forever and the water doesn’t evaporate.
Try Finding Common Ground With The Grease Fire
I suggest the kitchen floor since it’s likely the closest ground to both you and the grease fire. However, you need to be careful not to become too complacent or normalize the grease fire, enabling the flames to spread. I haven’t found a successful way to accomplish this yet as my kitchen floor is currently a hot linoleum goo pit.
Write A Helpful Blog Post So Other People Know How To Live With A Grease Fire
It’s great to feel productive in such dire times. And who knows, it might help someone other than yourself, but probably not! When future generations ask about the grease fire, how it happened and its effects, whether or not you took a stand to resist the grease fire, what actionable difference you made, you’ll be able to look them in the eye and confidently say, “I posted a relatable listicle about it.”
If Nothing Else, Stay Optimistic
Remember that even though it may take an hour or day or generation, grease fires eventually die out on their own.