To Whom It May Concern:
While it is an honor to even be considered for a spot among the 10 Puppy Gifs That Will Get You Through Your Day, I must decline the offer. I cannot in good conscious commit to pushing you through the monotony of human existence. I do not understand what a Monday is, let alone how to get you through it. I know nothing of what it is like to be a human, for I am just a puppy, who can barely get this peanut butter off her nose.
You may look to me as the pinnacle of blissful ignorance, a symbol of hope in what is sometimes a cruel, dark reality. But that’s a lot of pressure to put on a 3-month-old labradoodle.
I am fairly new to this world and frankly, I have no idea what I am doing. Just this morning I tried to lick three dead worms. Three. I come from a good home that feeds me well. As we speak, I have a full dish of food, a bowl of water at the ready, and an abundance of treats for whenever I make pee pee outside. But instead, I often choose to lick a bunch of dead worms because they are there and I feel like it. I am no example of logic or reason.
You may claim that neither are you, that people are too often illogical and unreasonable, that you are all that gif of me trying to lick the peanut butter from my nose. But you are not. You are the one who put the peanut butter on my nose in the first place. You have the means, the mental strength, the opposable thumbs and general dexterity to not only remove the peanut butter from your nose, but to choose where the peanut butter goes to begin with.
If that sounds like a metaphor, it is purely unintentional. As I have previously mentioned, I am a literal puppy, and I cannot grasp the use of rhetorical devices. I cannot even grasp medium-sized sticks or most footballs. Once a pepperoni was thrown in my general direction and I was overcome with such panicked elation, I fell on my back and peed a little. And I am the one you want to trust as your motivational life coach?
There are times when I reflect on my fear of abandonment when my owner leaves to go to the bathroom or my inability to find my way out from underneath a blanket and wonder if I will ever be more than a puppy struggling to reach the peanut butter on her nose.
I suppose in these moments, I am in fact just like you. Sometimes we take solace in relatability. It is reaffirming to see that the struggle is not only real, but plagues even the most adorable of us. However, it is our challenge and responsibility to push ourselves through the day, to motivate our own Mondays. We must be the puppy gif we wish to see in the world.
Again, thank you for the opportunity, but I respectfully decline. If you ever need a dog for a fail compilation video, definitely let me know. Those crack my shit up.