Things You May Write in My Obituary Should the Mental Weight of This Administration Literally Kill Me

Mental weight, inability to access affordable health care. Tomayto, tomahto.

– She died as she lived: talking about how she was going to die.

– In lieu of flowers, please release bees. Everywhere. With little to no discretion.

– When asked, her former classmates described her as, “someone who probably didn’t even go here and how did you get this number?”

– She was best known by friends, loved ones, and some doctors as, “a little bit lactose intolerant but used it to her advantage.”

– Whatever is left on her Starbucks gift card will be donated to charity.

– She left us too soon. Like, before she even had a chance to try having bangs one last time.

– She was an avid reader in that she spent hours obsessively rereading important emails before sending them.

– She was a member of no clubs, societies, or recreational basketball leagues, and don’t you forget it.

– She is survived by a pair of jeans that haven’t been washed in god knows how long as well her lingering sense of self-doubt.

– Please respect her dog’s privacy during this difficult time lol jk she’s over it and is down 2 party.

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