How To Still Get Horny While Modern Civilization is Crumbling Around You

It’s Valentine’s Day, and there’s one thing on everyone’s mind: How am I supposed to get horny at a time like this? Here are 10 ways to keep the spark alive while the world is seemingly burning around you.

  1. Set the mood. Dim the lights. Turn on a little Maxwell. Get in a rocket ship. Establish new life on a planet where everything is normal and fine.
  2. Give roleplaying a try. Act like you’re a sexy nurse and Bernie won the primaries. Pretend to be a Canadian-French maid and imagine Justin Trudeau is somehow also the leader of the United States.
  3. Slip into something that makes you feel sexy, like some “I’m With Her” nipple pasties or a time machine that will take you back to the 2009 inauguration.
  4. Condition yourself to get a boner every time you get a CNN alert, maybe?
  5. Up your dirty talk to absolute filth. Some idea starters: Global warming is a liberal conspiracy, Breitbart is a legitimate news source, I voted for Gary Johnson.
  6. Harken back to a simpler time with a strip tease to a reading of Justice Kennedy’s marriage equality ruling. It is so ordered, indeed.
  7. Self-care has gone from a luxury to a necessity. This means you can doink yourself 4, 5 times a day and people will be like, “I’m glad you’re doing what’s good for you.” Use this to your advantage.
  8. Spice things up with adult toys, like a vibrator engraved with your favorite Cory Booker quote or a whip made from printouts of the 19th amendment or an IUD that’s still covered under insurance.
  9. Read a little contraband like an erotic story about global warming or the archives of the National Parks’ Twitter accounts.
  10. Loosen your inhibitions and call your representative while you’re doing the nasty. This will henceforth be known as taking action while getting action.

At the end of the day, maybe you’re just not feeling it right now, and that’s okay. Because even if you’re not getting fucked, everything around you will be.

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