Chupacabra Cold Brew and Other Starbucks Drinks Inspired By Mythical Creatures You Didn’t Ask For But We Made Anyway

don't talk to me until i've had my coffee parody

Werewolf Latte
Available at the next full moon, the Werewolf Latte gets its bright red color from beets, beet root powder, human blood, and did we mention beets! This lycanthropic latte is garnished with a handful of miscellaneous fur [wolf, dog, live rat, dead rat, donkey] and comes in a cup that looks like it’s been slashed by an actual werewolf! But don’t worry, no werewolves were exploited for manual labor to make this latte. You’ll be howling for another when your scalding hot specialty drink leaks all over your lap and stains your pants due to the aforementioned cup design. Get yours WERE-ever you don’t mind being seen giving into a blatant marketing ploy!

Centaur Mocha
This mocha is flavored with a unique mix of spices that will make you feel like the lower half of your body has turned into a horse. Each drink comes with a limited edition, life-sized spear to use as a stir stick. While our spice blend remains top secret, we’re legally obligated to tell you this drink is topped with a hearty sprinkling of LSD. The Centaur Mocha is perfect for every centaur-loving commuter who needs a small dose of caffeine and hallucinogens to get through the work day.

Mr. Tumnus Iced Tea
It’s a drink inspired by everyone’s favorite half man-boy, half goat from the classic series The Chronicles of Narnia! Each cup comes sleeved in a miniature scarf that looks just like Mr. Tumnus’. It’s so cute, you’ll forget all your cares and how many underpaid workers had to handcraft something you’ll definitely throw away with the second half of this drink. Flavored with childhood and wistfulness, this special edition iced tea substitutes traditional ice cubes with chunks of snow from the Starbucks parking lot. Perfect for every lover of literature, each Mr. Tumnus Iced Tea comes garnished with a torn-out page of a classic kids’ book.

Chupacabra Cold Brew
The latest item in the cold brew coffee craze pairs everyone’s new favorite way to get caffeinated with an old favorite in the mythical creature cannon. The Chupacabra Cold Brew is specially brewed with cold water, giving it a more mellow flavor and less watered down taste than a typical iced coffee. After brewing for a full 24 hours, this cold brew is topped off with a full bucket of goats’ blood, the drink of choice for the chupacabra!

Hippogriff Frappuccino
If you loved the Unicorn Frappuccino, you’re going to be obsessed with the Hippogriff Frappuccino. Not familiar with a hippogriff? It’s basically like a unicorn, minus the horn, plus the front half of a rapacious eagle. This next installment in mythical creature Frappuccinos takes everything you loved about the Unicorn Frappucino (unsettlingly bright colors, a classic sour milk taste, the ability to sit still long enough to be Instagrammed) and makes it as unique as the hippogriff itself. Using bird feet! We put actual bird feet in this one! And each nail is painted bright pink! On the bird foot! That we put in your $5 coffee!

Harpy Espresso
We heard you loud and clear, ladies! You wish your coffee came with just a little more gender equality. That’s why our latest drink is perfect for all the nasty women out there. Take one look at the harpy’s bird body and female face, you’ll be saying, “Are you sure you didn’t mean, like, the full torso of a woman?” Nope! A harpy is just a woman’s face on a bird’s body, and sometimes it’s depicted with feathery but otherwise human-like breasts because why not. One sip of the Harpy Espresso, and you’ll feel like a total girl boss ready to conquer work, steal food from people as they’re eating it, carry evildoers to the female gods of vengeance, and get that promotion you deserve. This special edition drink tastes just like a regular espresso but is severely more bitter. The Harpy Espresso will be available long enough for various think pieces to be written on it or until a brand-bashing hashtag starts trending on Twitter.

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