Kindly STFU While I Talk About How Much I Respect Freedom Of Speech

There is an epidemic in the US. A problem that seems to target a certain group of people. An injustice that puts a pit in my stomach and tears in my eyes. I can’t seem to do so much as check Twitter for more than a few days without another story, another name, another hashtag. And I can’t just sit by idly anymore. I need to say something.

People aren’t standing for the National Anthem, and it hurts my fee-fees.

I’m totally fine with protesting as long as it’s done in a way that is non-violent, non-offensive, and just generally not noticeable at all. If you think that’s counterintuitive to freedom of speech, well that’s your right to think that. Because I respect rights. But only when they don’t hurt my fee-fees. And lucky for me, it’s my right to get angry about you expressing your rights. It’s a human centipede of rights expression. Anyway, I’ve come up with a few better ways to protest during the National Anthem so my fee-fees stop getting hurt.

  1. Stand for the National Anthem with your knees slightly bent. It’s like a subtle squat. And nothing says exercising your rights like literally exercising! But only a little bit! Don’t get carried away and go into a full fledged squat because that is almost like not standing and would be very confusing for my fee-fees.
  2. Instead of protesting maybe try bro-testing. A DNA test to see if you are brothers! With whom? Anyone! For what? Because! Is relevant? What are that!
  3. Stand extra upright. Like, weirdly upright. Everyone will notice and be confused. AND they probably won’t ask you about it just in case it’s an awkward habit you have and don’t want to bring attention to it. That sounds like some A+ protesting to me!
  4. Before the National Anthem starts, whisper the protest into your hand. Put the whisper into your pocket. Feed the whisper snacks at half-time. Never let the whisper go.
  5. Stand but sing sarcastically.
  6. Stand but cross your fingers to negate the whole thing.
  7. Stand but say “psych” quietly under your breath after each verse.
  8. Stand but use air quotes when you sing.
  9. Be quiet for 100 years and then come back as a ghost and be like “told you.”
  10. Stand but envision yourself sitting.

See? So easy! This is the exact kind of discourse our forefathers would have wanted, if they would have been cool with ladies and minorities and poor people having as many rights to exercise as wealthy, land-owning white men. People have died for your right to free speech and to protest. That’s right. Died. There are people that are dead. Families who are mourning. Friends who grieve. People who fear for their safety and life in ways you and I can’t imagine.

How many people have died for your thingie? Almost 100 just this month? And it seems to disproportionately affect one group of people? Well, of course you have to go and make it a race thing. I wasn’t even going to bring up race, because being black in America is not a thing I think about on a regular basis. And if I, a non-black person, can wake up every day without any reminder of how I live in a country that was built by a system that legally enslaved people based on the color of the skin, why can’t everyone? Don’t we want to live in a post-racial America? Legal segregation ended TENS of years ago. My grandparents can barely remember it. We could all learn a lesson about living in a post-racial America from my white grandparents.

And at the end of the day, all lives matter. Except for when it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable or makes me see outside a perspective other than my own and reevaluate the way I look at and experience the world. Then, some matter more.

13 Things You Hear When You Quit Your Job

Did you know everyone is quitting their job? It’s so standard and normal that there is now an official list of the things you hear when you quit your job. This is the list. I made the list. It’s official because it’s on the internet and that is all the necessary paperwork required to make it official. Here are each of the 13 things you hear when you quit your job.

  1. “Time to polish up your resume. Shine its shoes and put some pants on it. Turn that CV into a pretty date and take it out to dinner. Fall in love and live off the fruit of the land.”
  2. “I quit my job once, and look at me now. I make money from home as a full-time houseplant.”
  3. “Did they let you keep a copy of your desk chair? I know how much work you put into it.”
  4. The distant sound of your parents’ hearts breaking as you contemplate buying the cereal that comes in a bag
  5. “If it was because you hated your ID picture, I understand. I stopped driving for the same reason.”
  6. “Spend all your time waiting for that second chance. For a break? That would make it okay!”
  7. The nest egg in your savings account hatching. Is it a little dove? A tiny swan? Oh, it’s just a goo monster baby that turns everything it touches into credit card debt.
  8. “I respect your choice to be a stay-at-home parent to your goo monster baby. These are precious moments you’ll never get back.”
  9. The ghost of your first internship, which usually sounds like someone scanning a cup of coffee or a person stapling a turkey sandwich.
  10. “If you need a coworker, I have some old yarn I am not using.”
  11. “Amazing! Might I see your before and after pictures?”
  12. “Now you may search porn all day! Nothing is stopping you!”
  13. “Here is a pie I baked in celebration. It is good and will make a fine boss. You may report to this pie from now on.”

What are some things you heard when you quit your job? Was it the deafening silence of your mortality? Just kidding! There are no other things you hear! It’s only these 13 things and don’t prove me otherwise because you’re wrong and I don’t need to grow or change!

How To Stay Relevant And Informed By Renaming Your Pokemon

Pokemon GO. Is it good? Is it bad? Is it already a dead trend and why didn’t you post this a month ago, Mia?

I did extensive research by reading, like, 10 people’s Facebook statuses and concluded one of Pokemon GO’s biggest perceived downsides is that it’s keeping people from caring about things that “actually matter.”

This struck a chord with me because there’s nothing I love more than educating myself on current events in a way that requires zero effort and is completely noninvasive to my garbage flow of life.

So, I’ve come up with a solution for me and you and mostly me to have mindless fun while staying kind of informed: Rename your Pokemon to reflect the things you should be paying attention to.

Then when people are like, “You’re playing Pokemon GO? How dare you enjoy yourself ever? What about ISIS? Hmm? Have you ever thought about that?” You can be like, “As a matter of fact, I just caught an ISIS yesterday so #Me4President2016.”

Here are some starting ideas if you’re too lazy to even Google “things I should be paying attention to.”

1. VOTING RIGHTS
renamed pokemon slowpoke

Who wouldn’t want to educate themselves on the racist implications of voter ID laws after being reminded by a thing that looks like the love child of a Hippo-Bear and a sentient bath toy? A lot of people? Great, I’ve got 20 of these so let’s find your threshold.

2. GUN VIOLENCE
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Pidgeys are everywhere, all the time. Just like mass shootings! Catching a Pokemon that’s not a Pidgey is almost as rare as Congress actually passing common sense gun laws.

3. HILLARY FUCKING CLINTON
renamed psyduck

Look at this duck baby’s thousand mile stare and tell me it doesn’t make you want to register to vote.

4. STUDENT DEBT
renamed mankey

This is a dust monkey with a walking cane up its butt, and don’t even pretend you don’t get why it’s representative of student loan debt.

5. “ALL LIVES MATTER” AS A RESPONSIVE HASHTAG
renamed doduo

This Pokemon is just a big dumb bird that was too lazy to be two birds and grew another head so it could be extra loud and pointless. It is upsetting and unnecessary and now it’s official the physical embodiment of the phrase “All Lives Matter.”

6. WHITE FEMINISM
renamed evee

Every time a conversation on feminism excludes non-white women, Amandla Stenberg materializes and spanks you with a think piece on intersectionality. That’s why the name of this Pokemon is incomplete and not because of character limits or anything else.

7. CALVIN HARRIS
renamed drowzee

I don’t know. Just like, check in with him. See if everything’s cool.

8. THE WAGE GAP
IMG_0007

What’s great about this birdie with a bike helmet is that while it’s flapping, the wing span changes, perfectly showing the varying degrees of the wage gap based on race and gender!

9. WIKILEAKS
renamed jiggly puff

Classified information is ~* cute *~.

10. TAMPONS BEING TAXED AS LUXURY GOODS
renamed magmar

V cool that the creators of this app made a Pokemon that looks just like me on my period. #RepresentationMatters

11. CIS DUDES
renamed horsea

Just farting out water bubbles, being offended by all my period jokes.

12. BUTT CHUGGING
renamed haunter

Spooky!

13. MIKE PENCE
renamed golbat

More spooky!

14. WOMEN’S HEALTH AND REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS
renamed exeggcute

Our eggs are mad and they’re not gonna take it anymore!

15. WHITE WASHING
renamed poliwhirl

It’s like the evolved version of racist character portrayals in pop culture, and by “evolved” and I mean “also bad and not helping anyone.”

16. CALL YOUR MOM
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Because nothing brings you down from the high of catching a Pikachu like the sweet sting of guilt.

17. MEMES
IMG_2343

Ding dong this is what your biological clock looks like, and it’s telling you it’s time to catch up on your memes to stay cool and hip.

18. SPOILER ALERT
renamed chamander

Charmander is a dinosaur fire baby, and he’s the protector of all the shows. He’s super ineffective because you have no self-control and are definitely going to ruin everything for yourself by checking Twitter before you’ve seen the season finale of The Bachelorette, you impatient monster.

19. TAYLOR SWIFT
renamed ekans

;)

20. GENDER BIAS
renamed clefairy

Please note that one of Gender Bias’ moves is “Zen Headbutt.” It’s the more powerful version of “Leaning In.”

How are you staying relevant and current? Is it by putting “Candy Crush” in a folder on your phone called “Police Brutality”? Did you change your Tinder bio to “swipe right for affordable health care”? If not, why do you hate progress?

Movie Pitches With Strong Female Leads…But Not, Like, Too Strong

If Looks Could Kill
This action-packed flick features a strong, ass-kicking female lead who only gets sold into sex slavery twice. Rated PG

Girls’ Night Out
A female-driven comedy starring Kate Upton, Gisele Bundchen, the women from the Blurred Lines music video, an extra who keeps showing up in a Betty Boop costume, and ugh okay fine Melissa McCarthy or something.

Magic Michelle
Hollywood heard you loud and clear, ladies. This all-female version of Magic Mike is the equalizing reboot you’ve been waiting for. Stripping: it’s not just for guys anymore.

Daisy Saves the Day
An animated film about a dolphin named Daisy who gets the humans to clean up an oil spill that’s destroying her home. She communicates with them through the universal language: female hypersexualization. Why does an animated dolphin have an hourglass figure? To save the earth, of course!

The Battle
A young mother (played by Jennifer Lawrence) fights for custody over her child with her former lover and current boss (played by a crusty pair of Doc Martens).

Too Hot
This indie film about a researcher and her team’s efforts to combat global warming will only have audience turnout because the poster prominently features Vin Diesel with a flamethrower penis and silhouettes of ladies licking guns. It is the content we all deserve.

Look At My Goddamn Dog

Screen Shot 2016-06-13 at 6.10.41 PM

LOOK AT HER.

FullSizeRender
#FreeTheNipples

Her name is Ava, and she’s an adorable little psycho just like her mommy.

I call myself “mommy” now, too. I give my dog kisses on the head every time she makes pee pee outside. I give her all the snacks so she loves me but doesn’t respect me. I sometimes let her sleep in my bed because it makes me feel big and powerful to know I can take away that privilege at any time. I’ve yelled at a stray cat to “stay away from my baby,” and my body has instinctually started lactating.

IMG_20160605_203149

I don’t like to say that I rescued her. Because I didn’t. She just happened to run away to my house twice. When Ava’s original owner came to pick her up the second time, she was like, “Oh, Ava gets out a lot.” And I was like, “Yeah same me too.” And her owner was like, “No, like she runs away a lot.” And I was like, “Yeah same I run from my feelings too.” And she was like, “You can keep her if you want. She seems to like you, and we don’t really have enough time to take care of her right now.” And I was like, “Yes cool the dependence is already mutual.” So, now I carry around a dog in a baby bjorn while drinking white wine. My transition to suburban mom has been swift and effortless.

A few fun facts about Ava: she’s a mix between a Bichon and a cotton ball with legs, she loves naps, and she’s obsessed with me. My maternal instincts are fully engaged. Or whatever instinct it is that makes you want to exploit the things you love for money and internet fame.

If you’re hiring, here’s a brief rundown of Ava’s strengths and weaknesses. You can email me for her full resume, which is an 18 minute video of her eating grass.

Strengths:

  • Great comedic timing. We have this running bit where she cocks her head every time she hears a fart.
  • Being soft
  • Getting poop caught in her butt fur 24/7
  • Finding all the disgusting garbage smells to roll her body in
  • Being dependent on me for everything and not chipping in for rent, groceries, a Hulu Plus subscription, etc.
  • Making her mouth and butthole smell exactly the same

Weaknesses:

  • She barked at the mailman today, which is very cliche and embarrassing. We’ll have to discuss how this is bad for both our brands. There’s a good chance she was doing it to be ironic, which further proves her excellent grasp of comedy.
  • She sheds significantly less than me. Like, at least try to keep up.
  • No thumbs
  • She’s an ENFP probably :/

How else should I exploit my dog and capitalize on her existence? Do you think I can claim her as a dependent on my taxes? How long is too long to breastfeed?

Hello. These Are My Contributions To The Community Today.

Greetings on this blessed Throwback Thursday. I hope each and every one of you little sweeties is doing great and fine and totally didn’t cry for no reason while playing Candy Crush in the dark.

I want to talk to you tiny wittle babies about my number one top fave thing right now: asking for feedback. In case you haven’t heard of it, asking for feedback is a great way to get a bunch of input you can ignore forever so you never change or grow. Super fun, right?

I’d also love to pretend I’m fostering a sense of community with you fabulous fetuses. So, what would be great at the end of this post is feedback like, “Wow! That sounds perfect!” or “Could you maybe be less smart and hilarious???” or “I bet your hair is very clean and you’ve never cried for no reason while playing Candy Crush in the dark.”

Today, I’ll be pitching a bunch of ideas to you in raw, title-only form. Think of it more like a behind-the-scenes look at what it’s like when I start the writing process, and less like a lazy excuse to post a list of unfinished bullshit and call it content.

Here we go!

  • Ways To Turn Your Man On If He’s An iPhone 6
  • Which Book Genre Should You Pretend To Peruse Before You Destroy This Barnes & Noble Bathroom? A Quiz!
  • 17 Easy Ways To Spruce Up Your Home By Installing A Spiral Staircase
  • Could You Host 20 Seasons Of The Bachelor Without Becoming Sexually Attracted To A Rose?
  • 4 Appendages To Conjoin To Be Closer To Your Mom
  • How Giving Everyone At Least One Boob Could Solve Sexism
  • I Only Swipe Right On Tinder, So Why Do I Still Feel So Alone?
  • Exclusive Interview: Last Wishes From The 11-year-old Jar Of Mustard You’re About To Throw Away
  • 12 Signs You Unknowingly Switched Bodies With A Much Older Woman During A Lightning Storm
  • Can You Identify These 90s Hits Masked Entirely By The Sound of Dial-Up?
  • 12 Food Porn Pics To Keep Open In A Separate Tab While You Look At Actual Porn
  • I Lost 25 lbs In A Month By Only Eating My Left Leg
  • Disney Princesses Reimagined With Jennifer Lawrence’s Shoulders
  • I Exchanged Legs With A Table To See What Life Is Like As Furniture
  • Can You Get Hard From These Close Ups Of A Bald Eagle Or Do You Hate America?

There you have it! 15 titles for things I will probably never write. That was it. That was the whole post. This is the kind of thoughtful commentary you should have come to expect from me by now.

Let me know what you think! Am I the best girl in the whole world and everything I do is flawless and needs no further work or examination? My self-worth relies completely on positive affirmation!

Just The Tipsy: What Do Women Want?

Welcome to the inaugural post of Just The Tipsy, a series in which I get a little drunk and give advice on things. Today I’ll be answering your burning love questions…from this list of 10 things men are dying to know about women from 2013. If there’s one thing I’m an expert in, it’s giving very late advice on things I’m not an expert in.

Can you believe there isn’t anywhere on the internet where you can find people getting drunk and doing things? It’s a 100% untapped market. No one has ever done it. What I’m trying to say is I am a pioneer, and it’s amazing I’m not immortalized on any currency yet.

Well, ding dong the Love Doctor is in. It’s me. I make house calls. It’s quaint and convenient. Anyway, I’ve got your remedy right here. It’s gin. Ha ha just kidding. That’s for me.

Why does my ex keep trying to be my friend?
Probably because it’s lonely in the toolshed and can’t connect to the weed whacker anymore. Get it? Because “ex” kinda sounds like “axe”? No? Well, fine whatever your axe probably deserves better than you anyway.

What’s the best way to approach a beautiful woman?
It’s super easy! Just go up to them and ask, “Did you order a pizza?” If they say “yes,” great! Give them the pizza. If they say “no,” also great because you get to keep the pizza. It’s important to note that you should have a pizza, and this only works for actual delivery people.

What part of a guy’s body do women like most?
Ooh, how do you chose ;) I know a lot of women who are super into knee creases, but tight elbow wrinkles are also making a comeback. Deep knuckle pits are a must have. Ear caverns are controversial, but the women who love them really love them. As for me, the first things I notice about a guy are his toenail beds and eye crusties. I guess it just depends person to person.

Do women care whether we shave?
Yes. All women have secret meetings where we talk about who’s shaved and who hasn’t. The Non-Shavers are always ranked on a scale from grass clippings to human yarn tangle. But how we deliberate over the Shavers varies. For example, next meeting we’ll be asked to match photos of disembodied shaved chins to their owners. However, last meeting, we had to take turns plucking a hair from our own head and saying the name of a completely bald celebrity. The person who ran out of names or hair first lost. We have quarterly debates on foreign policy where the winner gets to Nair any part of a mannequin completely covered in wigs. I’ve already called dibs on the eyelashes for next quarter, so that’s something I have to look forward to.

How can I get my girlfriend to be more adventurous in bed?
Start with something approachable like silk bed sheets or a double-ended vibrator. From there, it’ll be pretty easy to work your way up to the really crazy stuff like a leaky waterbed filled with horny piranhas or a rock wall that leads to a sexy foam party or two double-ended vibrators.

How long should I wait to call a woman after she’s given me her number?
Depends on the situation, but usually at least 30 years.

What’s the best way to impress a woman on the first date?
Maybe instead of trying to impress her, try to empress her. That’s where you make her a literal empress. Give her land to oversee and people to lead. She is ready, and her reign will be just.

Is there a surefire way to tell whether she’s into me or just being nice?
Probably.

Why can’t I give my girlfriend an orgasm during sex?
First, try turning her on. Then, turn her off. Now, turn her back on and see if the light is still blinking. If this keep happening, you may need to restart or unplug her entirely. You can always try calling customer service. That has a reputation for taking a while, but they can probably help you figure it out if you literally just ask what to do. Cough cough ahem that last sentence is a metaphor sneeze cough.

How can I escape the friend zone?
Escaping the friend zone isn’t so much the issue as trying to figure out where to go after you escape. You’ll probably want to seek refuge in a neighboring friend, but it’s becoming a highly politicized issue and many are banning the entry of any former occupants of the friend zone. Well…Best of luck! 

There you have it. That’s everything you need to know about women as told by an actual, live human woman.

What do you want advice on next? Leave a comment below, and I’ll probably ignore it and just get drunk and answer a MySpace questionnaire instead.

5 People You See When You Go Home For The Holidays

That One Uncle
We’ve all got that one uncle. Maybe he’s your mom’s brother. Maybe he’s your dad’s brother. Maybe he married into the family. Maybe it’s one of those situations where he’s not part of your family in the conventional sense, but you call him “uncle” anyway. We’ve all got one, and he’ll definitely be there! Unless you don’t, in which case he won’t be there, and why did you even read this one when you saw the word “uncle” in the title. You could have just moved on, but instead you’re making this weird for everyone. That’s totally something that one uncle would do. So, I guess if you don’t know who “that one uncle” is, well then, maybe it’s you. You’re the uncle. Now everyone’s included, and this is all still very relatable.

Yourself in the Mirror
Always good to see a familiar face! Who doesn’t love catching up with themselves in the mirror while hiding in the bathroom at Aunt Kathy’s because like hell you’re going to explain to the family why your mailing address is the grocery store c/o The Deli Meats. Home is where the heart is, and your heart is full to the brim with fresh cold cuts.

Your Middle School Crush
Nostalgia alert! We all know the feeling of arriving in your hometown, strolling into your parents’ house, and unexpectedly bumping into that childhood stuffed animal you used to hump repeatedly while you were figuring some things out. What if there are still sparks? What if it doesn’t remember you? What if you try to reconnect and realize you don’t have anything in common anymore? So many unknowns at play. But who knows! Maybe you’ll rekindle what once was when it’s Day 4 of sleeping in your old twin bed, and you’re finally alone for one GD second.

Matt Lauer
The Today Show is the only news-ish program everyone can watch without someone losing their damn mind. Release all fear and tension, and succumb to the power of the Lauer.

The Physical Manifestation of Your Inner-Most Demons
Something about this time of year really brings out the most in everyone. So, this holiday season, you can definitely expect to see everyone’s personal demons exorcised, demanding the attention and power they crave all year. Let us all gather ’round the fire and stand hand in hand with the black, sludge-y depths of our souls. What a lovely season to share with friends and family the garbage people we all truly are.

You’re Enabling Me By Clicking On This

I come to you all in my time of need and seek forgiveness and understanding but mostly your attention. I did something last night I need to get off my chest. It’s dirty and disgusting, and I want you all to stare helplessly at my car crash of a life choice.

WARNING: What you are about to read may be disturbing to most and offensive to all. Here is your chance to continue living life without knowing the awful, horrific thing I did.

Just stop while you’re ahead, and forever wonder if I mean horrific in a “chopped my finger clean off” kind of way or a “realized I have a garlic press fetish” kind of way or a “spent 5 minutes trying to think of an obscure fetish” kind of way.

I mean, you could also scroll down slightly, take a sneaky lil peeky at what I did, and then click away and pretend you saw nothing, but only after you follow and like and share and send me air kisses.

Okay. Here it is. The depraved thing that I did.

I clicked on this article:

Screen Shot 2015-11-10 at 9.33.13 PM

I’m not going to link to the story as to not lead you into temptation and to deliver you from clickbait evil, and also because HuffPo Entertainment doesn’t need the promo. BUT I BIT THE BAIT, GUYS. I bit it so hard.

Two things to know about me in light of this confession:

  1. I am not actively engaged in Blake Shelton’s life, and I’m only passively obsessed with the idea of Gwen Stefani. Like, sometimes I remember she did push ups during the middle of No Doubt shows, and in those moments I think, “Oh, maybe she’s someone I would enjoy knowing more about.” And then, I go back to forgetting about her entirely.
  2. I do not watch The Voice. I don’t think I’ve ever watched The Voice. The fact that I’m not sure whether or not I’ve seen that show should tell you how invested I am in it. It’s none. I am none invested.

I clicked on a story that could have had the title:

Nothing Really Happened With Two People You Don’t Know In A Setting You Are Unfamiliar With

Here are some other things that also mostly didn’t happen on Monday.

  • I mostly didn’t spill coffee on myself except for when I did.
  • I mostly didn’t eat meat except for when there were surprise bacon bits on my baked potato. Me not eating meat was as incidental as me eating it. This is commonplace for me. Nothing new to report.
  • Clocks mostly didn’t say 10:47, aside from the two times of day when it was 10:47.
  • The general population mostly didn’t remember the titans, and how dare you all disrespect Sunshine in that way.
  • People mostly didn’t care what Jaleel White was up to since he didn’t do anything newsworthy like, say, mostly not flirting with someone.

I suppose we all occasionally waver. We bite the bait. We click the link. We do the thing the title of the piece begs us not to do solely because the title begged us not to do it.

But here’s something we can all take solace in. A beacon of hope of this dark, dark time:

I didn’t even read the full story.