A Holiday Newsletter From America

Greetings from our little 3.8 million square mile corner of the world!

Can you believe we’ve made it through another year? We sure can’t! We’re so excited to share with you, our friends and family in the countries we haven’t isolated entirely, what we’ve been up to these past 12 months. After all, social media can only tell you so much!

We truly saw our girls grow up before our eyes this year. They started 2017 by taking their first steps and even did a little march! (Yes! They’re marching now! They certainly don’t get that athleticism from me, ha ha!) Our girls also made a few successful public accusations this year. I can’t believe they’re starting to speak out already! It seems like just yesterday they were still babbling nonsense about “workplace discrimination icky” and “no no sexual assault.” Now, they’re able to string together full statements about powerful, predatory men. And we’re actually starting to understand them! A few of their new favorite words and phrases include “deep-seated misogyny,” “rape culture,” and “We’ve literally been saying this for millennia.” So cute!

As you may have heard, it was not an easy year for our boys. However, the holiday season is not a time to dwell on the negative. Our boys have also given us so much to be grateful for this year, like RompHims and another Transformers movie! In case you hadn’t heard, a few of our grown-up boys recently moved to a new state of being. They’ve found a home just past the point of acknowledging sexual harassment exists and but not quite to where we all agree we’ve had enough of Woody Allen. As our sweet, brave boys are still settling into their new place, a few of our girls, who have been living there for a while, are helping them navigate this new space. Although our good, good boys are not living too far from where they were before, it still feels like a significant move to me.

We’ve also welcomed more than a few new members to our household this year. In addition to becoming a blended family with Russia, 2017 has brought us so many precious bundles: ‘Bodak Yellow,’ a solar eclipse, the word “covfefe,” Unicorn Frappuccinos, a giraffe birth live stream, learning how to say Saoirse Ronan, and not one but TWO new babies from Beyoncé.

As for me, I turned the big 241 this year, but I still feel like I’m in the early ‘30s with this sudden resurgence of Nazis! Work has been filled with many new challenges and adventures. As some of you know, we’ve come under new management. I’ll admit, an early retirement sounds pretty good right about now! I can definitely picture myself, one day in the quickly approaching future, swimming in the water where California used to be or sunbathing on a hot, ocean shore in Oklahoma. But I’ve still got a good 25 years left in me, 30 if I’m lucky!

2017 certainly had its ups and downs, but some things remained steady and true, like good friends, loving family, and the inability to pass common-sense gun control policies. We can’t wait to see what 2018 brings! Fingers crossed it’s another Transformers movie and not nuclear war!

Merry Christmas and с новым годом!
America

Chupacabra Cold Brew and Other Starbucks Drinks Inspired By Mythical Creatures You Didn’t Ask For But We Made Anyway

Werewolf Latte
Available at the next full moon, the Werewolf Latte gets its bright red color from beets, beet root powder, human blood, and did we mention beets! This lycanthropic latte is garnished with a handful of miscellaneous fur [wolf, dog, live rat, dead rat, donkey] and comes in a cup that looks like it’s been slashed by an actual werewolf! But don’t worry, no werewolves were exploited for manual labor to make this latte. You’ll be howling for another when your scalding hot specialty drink leaks all over your lap and stains your pants due to the aforementioned cup design. Get yours WERE-ever you don’t mind being seen giving into a blatant marketing ploy!

Centaur Mocha
This mocha is flavored with a unique mix of spices that will make you feel like the lower half of your body has turned into a horse. Each drink comes with a limited edition, life-sized spear to use as a stir stick. While our spice blend remains top secret, we’re legally obligated to tell you this drink is topped with a hearty sprinkling of LSD. The Centaur Mocha is perfect for every centaur-loving commuter who needs a small dose of caffeine and hallucinogens to get through the work day.

Mr. Tumnus Iced Tea
It’s a drink inspired by everyone’s favorite half man-boy, half goat from the classic series The Chronicles of Narnia! Each cup comes sleeved in a miniature scarf that looks just like Mr. Tumnus’. It’s so cute, you’ll forget all your cares and how many underpaid workers had to handcraft something you’ll definitely throw away with the second half of this drink. Flavored with childhood and wistfulness, this special edition iced tea substitutes traditional ice cubes with chunks of snow from the Starbucks parking lot. Perfect for every lover of literature, each Mr. Tumnus Iced Tea comes garnished with a torn-out page of a classic kids’ book.

Chupacabra Cold Brew
The latest item in the cold brew coffee craze pairs everyone’s new favorite way to get caffeinated with an old favorite in the mythical creature cannon. The Chupacabra Cold Brew is specially brewed with cold water, giving it a more mellow flavor and less watered down taste than a typical iced coffee. After brewing for a full 24 hours, this cold brew is topped off with a full bucket of goats’ blood, the drink of choice for the chupacabra!

Hippogriff Frappuccino
If you loved the Unicorn Frappuccino, you’re going to be obsessed with the Hippogriff Frappuccino. Not familiar with a hippogriff? It’s basically like a unicorn, minus the horn, plus the front half of a rapacious eagle. This next installment in mythical creature Frappuccinos takes everything you loved about the Unicorn Frappucino (unsettlingly bright colors, a classic sour milk taste, the ability to sit still long enough to be Instagrammed) and makes it as unique as the hippogriff itself. Using bird feet! We put actual bird feet in this one! And each nail is painted bright pink! On the bird foot! That we put in your $5 coffee!

Harpy Espresso
We heard you loud and clear, ladies! You wish your coffee came with just a little more gender equality. That’s why our latest drink is perfect for all the nasty women out there. Take one look at the harpy’s bird body and female face, you’ll be saying, “Are you sure you didn’t mean, like, the full torso of a woman?” Nope! A harpy is just a woman’s face on a bird’s body, and sometimes it’s depicted with feathery but otherwise human-like breasts because why not. One sip of the Harpy Espresso, and you’ll feel like a total girl boss ready to conquer work, steal food from people as they’re eating it, carry evildoers to the female gods of vengeance, and get that promotion you deserve. This special edition drink tastes just like a regular espresso but is severely more bitter. The Harpy Espresso will be available long enough for various think pieces to be written on it or until a brand-bashing hashtag starts trending on Twitter.

Gallery of Found Objects Curated by My Dog

“A Pair of Underwear from the Dirty Laundry Vol. 1”
(c. Sunday, 1:10 pm – 2:32 pm)
The artist created this work while her owner was grocery shopping. Some critics believe the piece represents longing, like an open love letter or the physical manifestation of separation anxiety. Others see it as a passive aggressive critique on the concept of dogs not being allowed in most grocery stores. The artist has chosen to leave her motivation ambiguous, refusing to respond to the question many have been asking: “why did you do this???”

“A Pair of Underwear from the Dirty Laundry Vol. 2”
(c. Monday, 8:02 am – 8:28 am)
This installation in the underwear collection was established while the artist’s owner was taking a particularly long shower. It seems to contradict the themes of forlorning present in the previous volume of this work as the owner was literally two feet away from the artist during its creation. The dirty underwear series as a whole has been criticized for lacking cohesive motivation and widely received as “super confusing and weird and kinda gross,” which was perhaps the artist’s intention to begin with.

“Three Pairs of Underwear from the Dirty Laundry: An Unfinished Work”
(c. Tuesday, 6:15 pm – 8:09 pm)
This piece remains, in theory, incomplete. It’s unknown how many pairs of underwear the artist would have collected in total should her owner have never returned from Target, a circumstance deemed possible given the artist’s inability to understand time and the shopping black hole that is Target. The artist presented this piece differently from previous underwear-centric exhibits, choosing to sit in the middle of a seance-like circle of the undergarments. Some have gone so far as to call this piece the artist’s first foray into performance art.

“Chicken Bone on a Mid-morning Walk”
(c. Wednesday, 10:16 am – 10:18 am)
This piece is a bold addition to the collection, given the artist’s untouched bowl of food at home. Many critics agree the artist appeared to have the most fun with this piece.

“One Single Tissue on the Bathroom Floor”
(c. Thursday, 4:16 pm – 4: 40 pm)
This piece, alternatively titled “Tiniest Protest”, was created when the artist’s owner went outside without her. While small, the work and its message did not go unnoticed. Mostly because the artist chose to sign this work with a craisin-sized poo.

“Hardened Pile of Deer Poop”
(c. Friday, 4:40 pm – 4:42 pm )
A response to “One Single Tissue,” this piece was added after the owner finally let the artist outside. This addition to the collection represents liberation and celebration while maintaining the throughline from the previous piece. (Poop. The throughline is poop.)

“Dead Spider on the Bed”
(c. Saturday, (9:10 pm – 9:11 pm)
Often inspiration strikes when an artist least expects it. For this piece, the artist was inspired by the prompt “go get your toy.” Retrieving the rope she frequently chews on would have been too obvious a choice. The artist instead chose to present a dead spider she found in the corner of the room. This installation was received with general disgust but is arguably the most thought provoking, leaving the artist’s owner to wonder, “Is my dog funnier than me?”

How To Still Get Horny While Modern Civilization is Crumbling Around You

It’s Valentine’s Day, and there’s one thing on everyone’s mind: How am I supposed to get horny at a time like this? Here are 10 ways to keep the spark alive while the world is seemingly burning around you.

  1. Set the mood. Dim the lights. Turn on a little Maxwell. Get in a rocket ship. Establish new life on a planet where everything is normal and fine.
  2. Give roleplaying a try. Act like you’re a sexy nurse and Bernie won the primaries. Pretend to be a Canadian-French maid and imagine Justin Trudeau is somehow also the leader of the United States.
  3. Slip into something that makes you feel sexy, like some “I’m With Her” nipple pasties or a time machine that will take you back to the 2009 inauguration.
  4. Condition yourself to get a boner every time you get a CNN alert, maybe?
  5. Up your dirty talk to absolute filth. Some idea starters: Global warming is a liberal conspiracy, Breitbart is a legitimate news source, I voted for Gary Johnson.
  6. Harken back to a simpler time with a strip tease to a reading of Justice Kennedy’s marriage equality ruling. It is so ordered, indeed.
  7. Self-care has gone from a luxury to a necessity. This means you can doink yourself 4, 5 times a day and people will be like, “I’m glad you’re doing what’s good for you.” Use this to your advantage.
  8. Spice things up with adult toys, like a vibrator engraved with your favorite Cory Booker quote or a whip made from printouts of the 19th amendment or an IUD that’s still covered under insurance.
  9. Read a little contraband like an erotic story about global warming or the archives of the National Parks’ Twitter accounts.
  10. Loosen your inhibitions and call your representative while you’re doing the nasty. This will henceforth be known as taking action while getting action.

At the end of the day, maybe you’re just not feeling it right now, and that’s okay. Because even if you’re not getting fucked, everything around you will be.

Things You May Write in My Obituary Should the Mental Weight of This Administration Literally Kill Me

Mental weight, inability to access affordable health care. Tomayto, tomahto.

– She died as she lived: talking about how she was going to die.

– In lieu of flowers, please release bees. Everywhere. With little to no discretion.

– When asked, her former classmates described her as, “someone who probably didn’t even go here and how did you get this number?”

– She was best known by friends, loved ones, and some doctors as, “a little bit lactose intolerant but used it to her advantage.”

– Whatever is left on her Starbucks gift card will be donated to charity.

– She left us too soon. Like, before she even had a chance to try having bangs one last time.

– She was an avid reader in that she spent hours obsessively rereading important emails before sending them.

– She was a member of no clubs, societies, or recreational basketball leagues, and don’t you forget it.

– She is survived by a pair of jeans that haven’t been washed in god knows how long as well her lingering sense of self-doubt.

– Please respect her dog’s privacy during this difficult time lol jk she’s over it and is down 2 party.

I Regret To Inform You That I, A Cute Puppy Gif, Cannot Get You Through Your Day

To Whom It May Concern:

While it is an honor to even be considered for a spot among the 10 Puppy Gifs That Will Get You Through Your Day, I must decline the offer. I cannot in good conscious commit to pushing you through the monotony of human existence. I do not understand what a Monday is, let alone how to get you through it. I know nothing of what it is like to be a human, for I am just a puppy, who can barely get this peanut butter off her nose.

You may look to me as the pinnacle of blissful ignorance, a symbol of hope in what is sometimes a cruel, dark reality. But that’s a lot of pressure to put on a 3-month-old labradoodle.

I am fairly new to this world and frankly, I have no idea what I am doing. Just this morning I tried to lick three dead worms. Three. I come from a good home that feeds me well. As we speak, I have a full dish of food, a bowl of water at the ready, and an abundance of treats for whenever I make pee pee outside. But instead, I often choose to lick a bunch of dead worms because they are there and I feel like it. I am no example of logic or reason.

You may claim that neither are you, that people are too often illogical and unreasonable, that you are all that gif of me trying to lick the peanut butter from my nose. But you are not. You are the one who put the peanut butter on my nose in the first place. You have the means, the mental strength, the opposable thumbs and general dexterity to not only remove the peanut butter from your nose, but to choose where the peanut butter goes to begin with.

If that sounds like a metaphor, it is purely unintentional. As I have previously mentioned, I am a literal puppy, and I cannot grasp the use of rhetorical devices. I cannot even grasp medium-sized sticks or most footballs. Once a pepperoni was thrown in my general direction and I was overcome with such panicked elation, I fell on my back and peed a little. And I am the one you want to trust as your motivational life coach?

There are times when I reflect on my fear of abandonment when my owner leaves to go to the bathroom or my inability to find my way out from underneath a blanket and wonder if I will ever be more than a puppy struggling to reach the peanut butter on her nose.

I suppose in these moments, I am in fact just like you. Sometimes we take solace in relatability. It is reaffirming to see that the struggle is not only real, but plagues even the most adorable of us. However, it is our challenge and responsibility to push ourselves through the day, to motivate our own Mondays. We must be the puppy gif we wish to see in the world.

Again, thank you for the opportunity, but I respectfully decline. If you ever need a dog for a fail compilation video, definitely let me know. Those crack my shit up.

Obediently,
A Puppy

How To Live With A Grease Fire

A little over a month ago, a grease fire started in my kitchen. I woke up one morning, and it was just there. Apparently grease fires can still happen even if your stove is electric and you consistently post anti-grease fire articles on Twitter.

I still don’t understand how it happened. A few people told me it probably had something to do with the generations of built up gunk on my stove. That seems crazy though. I’ve worked and even lived around the gunk, and it never bothered me. And then those people were like, “You primarily use the microwave so how would you even know.” But some of my best appliances are stoves, so I feel like I would have a pretty good idea.

I don’t feel like I added to the gunk personally. One time, I even called out a piece of gunk that was on the stove. It was very big and apparent. I posted a picture of it on Facebook afterward, but I guess that didn’t fix it. I suppose there were charred bits so subtle and deeply embedded into the stove I didn’t even notice they were there. It actually wasn’t until the gunk started flaking off and revealing itself that I realized, “Oh, that’s disgusting and maybe shouldn’t be part of a stove.”

While I haven’t been able to extinguish the grease fire, I have found ways to coexist with it. So, before my house inevitably becomes engulfed in flames, I thought I’d share some of the tips and tricks I’ve been using to live with a grease fire.

Properly Identify The Grease Fire
It’s important to recognize the severity of the problem, especially when it comes to fires. So, don’t brush it off as just a few flames. Don’t assume it’s just heat that got a little out of control. Definitely don’t soften the issue by saying it’s “alt-warmth.” Call it what it is: a straight up grease fire that’s going to burn your house down.

Don’t Fight Grease Fires With Water
This goes against every one of your fire-fighting instincts, but for the love of god, don’t put water on it. It seems like the obvious and logical thing to do, but grease fires defy logic and reason and also water. Because oil and water don’t mix, the water will cause the grease fire to explode and spread and nothing will make sense anymore. Grease fires exist in a reality that is post-water.

Don’t Fight Grease Fires With More Fire
I doused my bed in gasoline to try to reclaim fire as a concept, but that just singed my eyebrows completely off and didn’t seem to deter the grease fire at all. It’s best to avoid starting any additional fires altogether.

Donate To Your Local Fire Department
Giving money to a fire department, especially a local one, is a great way to show your resistance to the grease fire. Calling the fire department can also be an effective option, but I hate talking on the phone. Classic millennial!

Practice Self-Care
It’s good to take your mind off the grease fire every once in awhile. Take a walk, and breath in the fresh, smoke-free air. Binge Netflix in another room. Pamper yourself with a bath. It’s relaxing and will keep you safe if the fire spreads, so long as you stay submerged forever and the water doesn’t evaporate.

Try Finding Common Ground With The Grease Fire
I suggest the kitchen floor since it’s likely the closest ground to both you and the grease fire. However, you need to be careful not to become too complacent or normalize the grease fire, enabling the flames to spread. I haven’t found a successful way to accomplish this yet as my kitchen floor is currently a hot linoleum goo pit.

Write A Helpful Blog Post So Other People Know How To Live With A Grease Fire
It’s great to feel productive in such dire times. And who knows, it might help someone other than yourself, but probably not! When future generations ask about the grease fire, how it happened and its effects, whether or not you took a stand to resist the grease fire, what actionable difference you made, you’ll be able to look them in the eye and confidently say, “I posted a relatable listicle about it.”

If Nothing Else, Stay Optimistic
Remember that even though it may take an hour or day or generation, grease fires eventually die out on their own.

How To Vote Like A Lady

November 8th is here! What color are you painting your nails? Are you going with your dream date? Did you register to vote in time or will you have to break some disappointing news to future generations? Is your hair going to be up or down? Here’s a handy checklist to make sure you vote like a lady today.

  1. Review what’s on your ballot beforehand. You’ll feel much more confident when you’re asked to perform an interpretive ribbon dance to the reading of each amendment being voted on.
  2. Nothing is more embarrassing than showing up to vote in the same outfit as someone else. Pick an outfit that’s unique to you and speaks to the historical symbolism of this election. It could be your prom dress with blood dumped all over it Carrie-style or a pantsuit made out of tampon applicators or a muumuu and funky hat!
  3. While optional, costume changes are highly encouraged while in the voting booth. Just something to keep in mind.
  4. There may be long lines, so wear comfortable shoes or bring a horse to sit sidesaddle in line.
  5. Find your polling place. Who knows! Yours could be in Chris Evans’ breakfast nook ;) but it’s probably at a church or school.
  6. It’s best to vote while on your period, especially if casting a vote electronically. The machines work better if they can sync to the voter’s cycle.
  7. Bring proper identification. Some states require a government issued ID, like a driver’s license. You could also bring an oil portrait or a printout of photos you’re tagged in on Instagram, but this is mostly for show and not a valid form of ID.
  8. Curtsy before entering the booth and extend your right hand for the ballot to kiss.
  9. Remember to vote from your vagina. Warm up with some kegels in line. It’ll make it easier to grip the pen.
  10. If you don’t orgasm your first time, that’s okay. It may take a few times voting with a woman on the ballot to ultimately reach climax. But remember: having an orgasm isn’t the only goal. Voting can feel phenomenal and fulfilling on its own.
  11. Refuel with the free snacks. You just exercised your right to vote and need to replenish all the calories you just burned with at least 7 donuts. If you feel sore for the rest of the day, that’s completely normal given the intensity of this election cycle.
  12. Don’t forget to have fun and smile and be approachable but not too approachable and look cute but not like a baby but kinda like a baby and why haven’t you had a baby yet and don’t leave your drink unattended and just say you have a boyfriend if anyone asks. Also, fill in the circles completely.

 

Any other tips and tricks on how to vote like a lady? Fun election day makeup looks? Whether we should abandon political parties and determine allegiance through Zodiac signs? Comment below in confusing verbiage, and I’ll cast a vote solely based on how my girl brain feels that day.

PC Culture Hurts My Fee-Fees

Picture this: You’re going about your business, blasting off-color jokes through a megaphone, and someone comes up to you and says, “Excuse me, that’s offensive. Please don’t say that.”

Uh, excuse you, indeed. 1) You ruined the punchline and 2) I wasn’t even talking to you, Person Who Belongs To The Group I Was Making Stereotypical Statements About. Didn’t you learn manners? Please and thank you? Law and order? Detective Munch? Ice-T at his prime? Being quiet forever and not making me learn or grow or change?

I miss the days when people could take a joke. It seems like everyone is so much more sensitive now that more people have accessible platforms to voice their concerns for both explicit and coded bigotry. Lighten up a little. Sorry, I meant caucasian up a little.

How am I supposed to keep track of what I can and can’t say? It’s exhausting. It makes me physically tired. And when I get tired, I get grumpy. And when I get grumpy, it get on Twitter and talk about how women are biologically inferior to men. And then I get yelled at for making broad, inflammatory remarks about half of the population. And then, the cycle starts again. What I’m saying is if you don’t want me to make sexist comments, stop telling me not to make sexist comments.

You don’t see dudes getting all upset about those novelty t-shirts that say things like, “My wife’s the real boss of me” and “I don’t know, ask my wife.” Hate to say it, but maybe it’s because men have a better sense of humor. Or maybe it’s because of societal ideas like women can only have power in a sexual relationship and men being subservient to women is ha ha so funny because it emasculates them and being not manly is funny because it makes you more like a woman and being a woman is funny but not in a “funny ha ha” way more like in a “funny sad” way. But it’s probably the men being funnier thing.

And don’t even get me started about being a “racist.” I’m not racist. I love all the races. I ONLY watch porn with minorities. If I were so racist, I would never be able to have even a single orgasm while watching non-white people be degraded to sexual objects for my pleasure. Wouldn’t be possible. So, what if my Tinder profile makes racial specifications. That’s just preference and definitely not rooted in racist ideas of beauty, attraction, how people are valued, etc. Like I said, I’ve touched it to TONS of videos of minorities. To completion, mind you.

If I’m such a bigot, how come I have a brown dog? Hmm? I even had a waiter once that was gay — excuse me, Homosexual American. I have many co-workers, acquaintances, cashiers, passers-by who are not exactly like me. We don’t have conversations. We just take role call of the spots we fill and go about our days. I keep constant tally of the amount of diverse friends I have because it’s so, so important to appear like I accept different perspectives when trying to defend my one, very limited perspective.

I have feelings too, you know. I’m a human being with unique experiences and individual hardships. It sucks to have these sweeping generalizations made about me every time I make jokes that rely on sweeping generalizations about entire populations of people. I do want equality for all people regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, class, ability, favorite Spice Girl, thoughts on the Tony award-winning musical Hamilton.

Because progress matters. But my feelings matter more right now.

As The Owner Of A Pussy, I’m Offended By The Comments On That Tape

It should come as no surprise to anyone that the recently leaked audio of Donald Trump and Billy Bush is unsettling to me. But I understand it may also be easier for me to recognize the gravity of what was said. Because I have a pussy.

Now, you may be thinking, “Hold on. I myself don’t have a pussy. So, I wasn’t quite sure how to feel when he said he could just ‘grab them by the pussy’ without asking. How does this relate to me if I don’t have a pussy?” Excellent point. How does anyone know how to feel about anything if it doesn’t mention them explicitly?

Well, for starters, you probably know lots of pussies. You’re related to at least one and may be friends with a handful of others — pardon the innuendo.

Think of it this way: That could have been your daughter’s pussy. Your mother’s pussy. The pussy of your great aunt twice removed. You protect the pussies you love. Because they’re pussies. Pussies are to be championed and revered, not objectified. You must defend pussies. Especially the pussies you’re related to. Because those pussies are different in a way you can’t quite put your finger in. I mean, on.

You’d never say anything like that in front of the pussies you love, right? And you especially wouldn’t if you knew all of America’s pussies were listening. Pussies of every age. The young pussies. The 20-something pussies. Even the pussies in their early-30s.

Pussies shouldn’t be privy to that kind of language. They are beautiful and delicate and sweet and soft and pink only. Of course, a pussy is more than its physical appearance. Pussies can also make babies, thus making them magical and mysterious. Who knows what goes on in there? Definitely not people who pass laws about it.

You may be wondering how we got to this point as a society. How this attitude towards pussies has become normalized. Why pussies only matter in terms of their relationship to the people without them. Like the pussy itself, it remains a mystery. There’s just no way to know how this has become a part of our culture.